There is no other way to say it: Boston has taken a wicked fuckin’ pounding thanks to a historic series of blizzards and frigid temperatures that have dumped close to eight feet of snow on the city in just a few weeks. To make matters worse the city’s perpetually aging and shitty public transit system has largely been rendered inoperable for at least another month ,which led to the abrupt resignation of embattled MBTA head Beverly A. Scott.
The record breaking snowfall combined with an unprepared clean-up response, has actually transformed the city into a real life Conan O’Brien penned Simpsons episode. Beleaguered Mayor Marty Walsh has taken on a Quimby-esque front in the tireless press conferences he’s given, coming up with desperate tactics to get the city cleaned up and the MBTA running. Such cartoonish logic has lead to prison inmates shoveling the city streets, as well as considering dumping the snow into the legendarily dirty waters of the Boston Harbor.
“We’re not at a public safety concern yet,” Walsh said, “but we will be if we keep getting snow like this.” To his credit, Walsh is pretty much the only public face taking the full brunt of a tired, cold, and outraged city, but even he has finally started to show some signs of wear and tear, publicly scolding residents who have taken to jumping out of their windows into the mounting snow. “It’s a foolish thing to do and you could kill yourself,” Quimby, I mean, Walsh said, adding “This isn’t Loon Mountain, this is the city of Boston.”
While that much is true, Boston will always be a city of loons, especially when it comes to the antiquated and vile tradition of vandalizing someone’s car if they dare park in a public space that somebody else had shoveled out. It’s a fascinating, yet twisted dichotomy to look at when you take into consideration that only a month ago, Boston residents were foaming at the mouth and urging jail time for protestors who were exercising their 1st amendment right to protest, while publicly applauding steak-headed scumbags who gleefully commit felonies to citizens private property for being in a public space.
Many residents I’ve spoken to have opined that through gentrification, many newer residents don’t respect this long practiced lesson in street justice. Yes, if you steal “their spot”, expect a tire slashing and if you have New York plates, your Monte Carlo might even get buried at the crime scene. These vigilantes weep for the Boston of yesteryear, conveniently forgetting it was also once a place where minority students were pelted with rocks, bottles and racial slurs for entering certain neighborhoods and schools, where priests and coaches regularly raped and silenced generations of innocent children, and where the Boston FBI routinely and knowingly sent innocent men to die in prison and even signed death warrants for their own informants.
I personally think that it’s time to review stiffer punishment for anyone caught vandalizing another person’s automobile, such as a license suspension for six months. It’s a sure bet that you wouldn’t have to worry about someone taking your public parking spot. I found out that seeking legal punishment for vandalism is certainly an unpopular sentiment among many life long townies, but as a recovering Bostonian I will never understand how outraged people who proudly call themselves “Massholes” become when someone dares shine a critical light onto the city. It can sometimes feel like I am in North Korea, but with smaller people and funnier accents.
In the meantime, with more snow and frigid temperatures looming through-out the week I am looking forward to reading an endless Facebook feed of weather related updates and complaints from my hotel room on South Beach. Maybe Boston’s weather channel will even begin showing Kanye West memes, Buzzfeed quizzes and fake news stories mistaken for real ones to even everything out until the heat waves hit.