Culture

The Weirdest Halloween-Themed Craigslist Ads

Culture

The Weirdest Halloween-Themed Craigslist Ads

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With all the different platforms one can humblebragseek tribal attention on, or blurt out every fracture of thought all while “branding” oneself, there is few unfiltered, raw territory left on the Internet where we could observe the true state of humanity in the 21st century. On a Halloween night. In New York.

To be honest, what made me commit to a whole evening of Craigslist-mining was this and the explosion of posts on my Instagram and Twitter feeds (#TBT #Halloween — what a happy conglomeration) throughout the whole day yesterday. Would the people of Craigslist, without a visible thematically marketable thing on sight (minus the dick pics) echo the Halloween fever that was found elsewhere? Had we seen enough Zombie Mileys just yet? What is all the leftover Ricky’s inventory impact on American economy? These are all valid yet hard to answer questions. Without further due, moving onto our favorite Craigslist ads from last night — to sort of, kind of ruminate on the first question, which proves easier:

1) The guy who pretends to have so much fun, will pity-hang out with you because

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Here is a dude that was at a disappointing party that was just too short, and it started raining just as his hosts forced him goodbye. Nonetheless, he is a man of big heart and won’t discriminate whether you love your iPhone or swear by your Android device. On a personal note, I’d once downloaded the Craigslist app while dating looking for apartments, and it’s bulky as hell. The point being, if that woman at the other end of the screen is using the app, chances are she is as patient as a saint, and may willfully overlook the cons in others. Treat her well, Anon 1.

2) The Usual Vaginal Exorcist

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The self-claimed vaginal exorcist is only interested in your privates you a) if you’re “cultured” enough to know what poltergeist means, b) if you’re working in banking, health, or especially arts. Vaginal Poltergeists (formerly known as Lady Boners) are always interesting to think about, hopefully without a 52 year old on board. I’m not saying that The Exorcist is not the answer, but if you ever want to teach a woman how to fish, send them this way.

3) “Take the L Train” Fare

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Marty, this young woman was so buried in her thoughts that she didn’t even realize that it was Halloween yesterday. Also meaning she wouldn’t have judged you on your outfit any other day.

That said, “If you can remember what I did to my hair on the train” equals one selfie like on Instagram.

Still, she has the best of intentions — I think you should give her a chance.

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If Craigslist has one patch of untainted, innocent land, that is the Missed Connections. This guys went as Mendel for Halloween and wrote the kindest missed connection post possible. There is still hope for the rest of us.

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E. All of the above?

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My advice to anyone is not to date people that throws words around like that.

4) I’m a Mouse, duh

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It was a wild night, but it was just not wild enough, hence the post. Give this woman enough credit for not calling up one of her exes, but posting on Craigslist instead. And with the Vaginal Exorcist and all, we could all use some honesty here.

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Why no medium tits?

5) Cuddle Party at my House, you are invited

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Somebody out there is sick of all the sexual-healing-with-strangers schtick and would like to cuddle into a warm, fuzzy ball with other well-meaning human beings. Cuddle Party is a thing and has been going on for 11 years, it turns out.

6) New York City is literary, literally:

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If you can’t see the delicately detailed work in this post, we will need to have a serious talk. All this guys needs in life is a good editor, and more missed connections.

7) Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz on her way to a jewelry heist later lost her puppy:

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I am pretty positive that the woman from the post above got drunk and lost her pup.

8) A conceptual artist roams Craigslist

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(There are no kitty photos attached in this post.)

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And the style is unmistakably similar.

9) Somewhere in Queens, a relationship dressed up as a short story by Junot Díaz and it’s not funny.

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Hey Mona Lisa come home, you know you can’t Rome without Caesar.

10) Halloween just isn’t over. Not now, not ever. 

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This post is referring to next Saturday. How longer is there until the next Santa Parade again?

Follow Busra on Twitter: @busra_erkara