It’s no secret that mobile dating apps and astrological compatibility fuel the dating scene in New York City. Have no fear because as a dating expert, I, Greg Mania, will guide you through taking the juiciest bite out of the Big (and emotionally ambiguous) Apple.
In NYC, dating is expedited. Think of it this way: Dating everywhere else: priority mail. Dating in NYC: Express shipping. That’s right. It’s not like anyone in this city actually has the time to get to know you, silly. I don’t even have the time to pop the zit on my ass, let alone find out if you prefer one sugar or two in your coffee.
The first step to dating—anywhere, really—is to meet someone. There are a TON of places to meet people in this city: A bar, networking event, or S&M-themed book club meeting (they exist). Remember: First impressions last the longest. If you make it past the first date (recent studies from McShade University say that’s a one in 10 chance of that ever happening in NYC), you can start to dress more casually. You can whip out those fun and flirty Boyfriend Jeans, or if you’re feeling really saucy, Middle-Aged-Divorée-Rediscovering-Herself Daisy Dukes or Single-Dad-Lookin’-For-Love-In-All-The-Wrong-Places Classic Bellbottoms. Time will tell.
First dates are super important in NYC because you usually know if you want to pursue any sort of romantic engagement approximately 17-25 seconds after meeting someone. Like I said, dating in NYC is extremely time conscious, so you need to know if you can foresee any future with them within the hour. When you go on a date, have a star chart ready to go. Ask them their star sign and see what the future has in store for you by virtue of the cosmos because DUH. Next, have them meticulously map out the general trajectory of their five-year plan. Possibly ask them to pee in a cup.
The first element in a successful first date is conversation. No one wants to hear about what your minor was in college or how you want try pursuing a creative endeavor involving mixed media. Talk about your exes. This helps facilitate conversation and fun-bitter-revenge-sex. Uncomfortable silences are to be expected, so have a list of topics in case one of those awkward moments comes up (they will). Discuss your favorite HBO shows, a suppressed childhood memory, 9/11 conspiracy theories, the sea, or if you prefer Beacon’s Closet or Buffalo Exchange.
One of the most important components of a date is eye contact. Try to look them in the eye as often as possible. This tells the person you’re invested in knowing more about them or possibly have an auto-optical asphyxiation. If they’re wearing transition lenses, maintain eye contact throughout the entire duration of their lenses catching up and DO NOT say a word until they do.
This might be looked down upon anywhere else, but it is totally appropriate—and recommended—to pre-game before your date. This helps alleviate those butterflies. That’s another thing people in NYC don’t have time for: BUTTERFLIES in our ABDOMINAL region—NOT conducive for Soul Cycle (Ugh). Arrive half an hour early and try to consume between two to four glasses of wine. Remember: It is not appropriate to start blacking out until halfway through your date, unless you want to remember that fun-bitter-revenge-sex.
Be warned—There are certain situations that warrant stop, drop and rolling out of the room, and they include, but are not limited to:
– Your date mentioning their recent juice cleanse for more than 20-25 seconds
– Your date asking you to attend Zumba
If you don’t hate each other after an hour, you can safely assume you’re dating by NYC standards. And if you do hate them, go into the bathroom and Facebook stalk your ex on your iPhone until your date gets so uncomfortable they leave. Then go ahead—grab life by the gender non-specific genitalia (we don’t put people in boxes here), and ask that cute intern out (We have a loose moral code).