Advice

Rap Game Ann Landers Returns: RiFF RAFF Is Here to Help

Advice

Rap Game Ann Landers Returns: RiFF RAFF Is Here to Help

Artwork by Pinar&Viola
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He’s baaaack! Cornrowed, canine-grilled “freestyle scientist” RiFF RAFF will release his debut studio album in September. Here, the Rap Game Ann Landers spits solutions to your pressing problems about ginger genes, personal hygiene, and pet-owner propriety.

Do women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?
No, but they have an obligation to keep their legs waxed.

When is it appropriate to eat something that you’ve pulled out of the trash?
If I was in the ice age and was eating frozen berries from trees and then saw a trash can from the future and there was a hot, fresh Big Mac still inside the box and the bag was closed, then I see nothing wrong with eating that futuristic Big Mac burger.

Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs weren’t allowed to reproduce?
Some of the most intelligent people are haters because they are so determined to find physical facts that they forget how to dream.

What is the key to happiness?
Move forward. Don’t think about marriage and family values and all that bullshit. I know how to survive—I chase money and lobster. Get the fuck outta my way or get perm pressed.

How do I get over a really bad, recurring nightmare?
Dunno, but here’s mine: I’m 7 years old and I’m underwater. My little brother jumped off a bridge and into the ocean, so I had to jump in after him and at the bottom of the ocean there are all these large beings with long fingers they use to tickle my stomach, but not in a funny way. They aren’t smiling. Believe it or not, I’m actually crying now just thinking about it.

Will my baby be cursed if he or she turns out to be a redhead?
No, look at Action Bronson and Lindsay Lohan—both gingers, both millionaires.

What’s the best cleaning detergent for getting semen out of my cat’s fur?
I don’t wash clothes. I throw them away after I wear them one time—same with cats.

How do I avoid becoming Butch’s prison bitch?
Get a good lawyer and sleep with a rusty razor blade.

What’s the most convincing way to show people I’m not crazy?
Moonwalk every 25 seconds and say everything 7.5 times in a row.

What’s the hardest part about living in the wild?
There’s no one to watch over me. Who is gonna watch over me? Who?

Bestiality—definitely not okay, right?
Right.