January 24, 2013
In Independence Day, President Whitmore faced an alien invasion hell-bent on the eradication of mankind. Nonetheless he handled it by bellowing out the greatest Independence Day speech in history, hopping into a jet fighter and, with the help of Captain Steven "Gettin Jiggy Wid It" Hiller, sending the aliens packing.
President Obama, please take note. If you ever find yourself hostage on Air Force 1, like President James Marshall, please follow in his footsteps: 1. Puncture fuel tanks to try and force an emergency landing. 2. Subdue henchmen liberally. 3. Zipline from Air Force 1 to the rescue plane. 4. Yell things like, "Get off my plane!"
A lot of frightening things inhabit the universe but few are as truly horrifying as  the Great Evil that the 5th Element's President Lindberg had to tackle. "There's a ball of fire, it's 1200 miles in diameter heading straight for Earth, and we have no idea how to stop it. THAT's the problem."  One lesson for you here, Mr. President: in times of crisis call Bruce Willis.
You think being the president of the U.S. is tough? Imagine leading a post-apocalyptic nation of survivors on a spaceship in a far-flung star system. President Laura Roslin of Battlestar Galactica didn't even break a sweat.
Try as you might, Mr. President, but you'll never match President Goody Two-Shoes Josiah Bartlet of The West Wing. Smart, funny, tough and compassionate with his hair always perfectly coiffed, The West Wing's President Bartlet's only problem was that he was too perfect. Makes us sick.
In Idiocracy, President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho faced an existential crisis that might not sound so far fetched: his country was drowning in its own stupidity. But did he give up? Nope. "Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution." We like that attitude.
In Head of State, Mays Gilliam's biggest challenge wasn't being the president, it was just getting elected. But when the airplanes of his political party's Presidential and Vice Presidential nominees collided into each other, Mays was suddenly in the running and tackling the nation's problems. On welfare reform: "No, you can't use food stamps to buy tires."
Few presidents folded when faced with a fearsome rival as pathetically as President James "Jimmy" Dale from Mars Attacks! " Why can't we work out our differences? Why can't we work things out? Little people, why can't we all just get along?" That approach got President Dale and the rest of us annihilated. So, Mr. President, please take President Dale's experience to heart. Don't try to befriend spider-handed aliens.
In Independence Day, President Whitmore faced an alien invasion hell-bent on the eradication of mankind. Nonetheless he handled it by bellowing out the greatest Independence Day speech in history, hopping into a jet fighter and, with the help of Captain Steven "Gettin Jiggy Wid It" Hiller, sending the aliens packing.
President Obama, please take note. If you ever find yourself hostage on Air Force 1, like President James Marshall, please follow in his footsteps: 1. Puncture fuel tanks to try and force an emergency landing. 2. Subdue henchmen liberally. 3. Zipline from Air Force 1 to the rescue plane. 4. Yell things like, "Get off my plane!"
A lot of frightening things inhabit the universe but few are as truly horrifying as the Great Evil that the 5th Element's President Lindberg had to tackle. "There's a ball of fire, it's 1200 miles in diameter heading straight for Earth, and we have no idea how to stop it. THAT's the problem." One lesson for you here, Mr. President: in times of crisis call Bruce Willis.
You think being the president of the U.S. is tough? Imagine leading a post-apocalyptic nation of survivors on a spaceship in a far-flung star system. President Laura Roslin of Battlestar Galactica didn't even break a sweat.
Try as you might, Mr. President, but you'll never match President Goody Two-Shoes Josiah Bartlet of The West Wing. Smart, funny, tough and compassionate with his hair always perfectly coiffed, The West Wing's President Bartlet's only problem was that he was too perfect. Makes us sick.
In Idiocracy, President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho faced an existential crisis that might not sound so far fetched: his country was drowning in its own stupidity. But did he give up? Nope. "Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution." We like that attitude.
In Head of State, Mays Gilliam's biggest challenge wasn't being the president, it was just getting elected. But when the airplanes of his political party's Presidential and Vice Presidential nominees collided into each other, Mays was suddenly in the running and tackling the nation's problems. On welfare reform: "No, you can't use food stamps to buy tires."
Few presidents folded when faced with a fearsome rival as pathetically as President James "Jimmy" Dale from Mars Attacks! " Why can't we work out our differences? Why can't we work things out? Little people, why can't we all just get along?" That approach got President Dale and the rest of us annihilated. So, Mr. President, please take President Dale's experience to heart. Don't try to befriend spider-handed aliens.

No doubt President Obama has a tough four years ahead of him: a stubborn congress, a budget messier than TomKat’s breakup, and more unrest in the world than you can shake a stick at. It’s bad, Mr. President, and we sympathize. But we also know it can get much much worse. Before you throw up your arms in frustration and let the last of your hair go Anderson Cooper, Mr. President, think about how miserable life was for President Dale or President Whitmore. Sure your opponents are skirting votes on gun control legislation, but at least they’re not intergalactic visitors dead-set on colonizing Earth. I mean, we’re pretty sure they’re not.

Comments >
The Bullet Holiday Gift Guide