I know we’ve long known that guys’ brains are in their dicks, but a new design in the works from Microsoft seems to suggest that women do a lot of their thinking with their boobs. The smart bra design will contain sensors that keep track of your heart rate and heat levels, and then send signals back to your smart phone.(h/t Slate). Cool, but what in the good fuck would you want that?
It’s because you’re fat of course. Or at least worry about it. Ladies be watching their calories.
The aim was to find out if wearable technology could help prevent stress-related over-eating.
Mood data was provided to the wearer via a smartphone app in order to highlight when “emotional eating” was likely to occur.
A team from Microsoft’s visualisation and interaction research group embedded an electrocardiogram and electro-dermal activities sensors as well as a gyroscope and accelerometer in the bra.
Also near the heart? All of you ladies to me. Don’t change, you’re beautiful just the way you are. Unless you have a computer on your tits telling you to avoid ice cream, in which case I’m out of here.
Nelson Mandela, the former South African President and goddamned inspiration to tens of millions of people around the world has died according to President Jacob Zuma.
Mandela, the country’s first black president and anti-apartheid icon known in South Africa by his clan name of Madiba, emerged from 27 years in apartheid prisons to help guide South Africa through bloodshed and turmoil to democracy.
In a nationally televised address, Zuma said Mandela would have a full state funeral. He ordered flags to be flown at half mast.
“Fellow South Africans, our beloved Nelson Rohlihla Mandela, the founding president of our democratic nation, has departed,” Zuma said.
“He passed on peacefully in the comfort of his home.”
Mandela rose from rural obscurity to challenge the might of white minority apartheid government – a struggle that gave the 20th century one of its most respected and loved figures. Reuters.
The pace of meme culture is so hectic of late that Selfies At Funerals is already old news, and teens everywhere are trying to get out ahead of the curve for the next trend by seeking out spots for selfies just before a funeral is even planned. The latest example of this came on the cover of the New York Post, the city’s chief depository of cover photos of clueless young people, who published a picture of a woman gazing happily into her own visage with a suicidal bridge jumper in the frame behind her.
In her defense… maybe she, uh, didn’t notice the guy? Doubtful, says the Post.
With scores of onlookers watching the dramatic 10 a.m. rescue by cops, the crass camerawoman turned her back to the scene, angled her phone toward the bridge, and snapped a shot.
The scarf-clad blonde even cracked a thin smile.
When approached by The Post afterward, she suddenly became camera-shy.
“I’d rather not,” she said when asked for her name. She then hustled out of Brooklyn Bridge Park.
Well, in a city of so many million people, you kind of have to assume that in any given selfie there’s something horrible going on in the background. I bet if you go back and scroll through the thousands you’ve taken over the years, you’re bound to uncover some sort of mystery or other. One you might start with is why you took all those selfies in the first place.
Fitness model and blogger Caroline Berg Eriksen ignited a firestorm of controversy on the internet when she posted a photo of herself flat-stomached and fit just a few days after giving birth.
The reactions from the more motherly corners of the internet have been well-considered and measured (lol).
Eriksen might as well have captioned the photo “U MAD FATTIES?” In fact, that’s basically what another “fit mom” did last month, when California mother and troll Maria Kang posted a picture of herself with her three children asking “What’s your excuse?”
My excuse? My excuse is I’m a man so I’m incapable of the miracle of birth, and also I’m a robot so I’m incapable of the miracle of love. But you can rest assured that if I had to carry a baby around inside me for nine months, I would not be in a rush to snap any photos of the ensuing carnage afterward. I feel gross and bloated enough as it is carrying around this bagel inside me for the past nine minutes.
As for the women of the world, well, the lesson here is clear. If you don’t look like a bikini model a day or two after you pooped a baby out of your butt, even if you didn’t look like one beforehand, you’re clearly a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t love your husband or have any respect for yourself. Either that or you’re a regular human being with an actual job and real world concerns aside from being a “fitness blogger,” which sounds like some made up fantasy land shit.
If it’s true what they say, that the freaks come out at night, then New York photographer Zak Krevitt and his coterie of creative friends live in permanent darkness.
“If there’s such a thing as Santa’s workshop, this would be it,” this 60 Minutes report on Amazon explains. If you’ve always imagined hopeless elves with no other options because Santa put all of the other employers in town out of business and erected massive Borgesian Library of Babel-like edifices to consumerism in their stead. In their 96 “fulfillment centers” around the world, lifeless, dead-eyed drones shuffle packages onto the conveyor belt of progress, (but also literal conveyor belts), in order to trigger the fulfillment centers in the orbitofrontal cortexes of eager shoppers everywhere. “Right now we’re really in the center of what is the physical manifestation of Earth’s biggest selection,” explains Amazon’s vice president Dave Clark, whose dad jeans undermine his point somewhat.
But Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, the Hank Scorpio of modern retail, has a different type of drone in mind for the future. Drone-drones, like the ones Obama kills people with.
But first a look at how the process works now: [Slow ass trucks and people and what not].
“Anything you want on Earth, you’re going to get from us. That’s where we’re headed, I believe,” Clark boasts.
All well and good, but what if you could get all of that shit RIGHT NOW? High end clothing, produce, empathetic sex robots, love?
That’s where the Amazon PrimeAir comes in. It’s a small propellor-driven drone that flies itself to your home and sends reports back to the abandoned warehouse where the chief of police and mayor are playing poker for human souls, but also gets you your shit right quick.
“I know this looks like science fiction. It’s not,” Bezos says of the drones, which he guesses will be available in four or five years. Perhaps, unless we’re talking about one of those science fiction stories where slum-bound cretins scrabble for bowls of gruel and bone with hyenas in the streets while spaceships bustle overhead and weird bald guys control the world.
Kind of. Maybe? A judge today in Los Angeles ordered that the Huy Fong Foods Sriracha factory in Irwindale, CA, cease operations that may be leading to offensive, irritating, and harmful odors in the town. END OF SRIRACHA OH NOES HOT SAUCE IS GOOD read the idiot headlines on every other idiot website, but the reality is a little more complicated. The ruling, as the Los Angeles Times reports, doesn’t mean they have to shut down, or stop production entirely.
Irwindale had sued the company, claiming that the hot, peppery, delicious air was causing health problems among its residents.
[Judge Robert ] O’Brien acknowledged in his ruling that there was a “lack of credible evidence” linking the stated health problems to the odor, but said that the odor appears to be “extremely annoying, irritating and offensive to the senses warranting consideration as a public nuisance.”
He also wrote that the odor could be “reasonably inferred to be emanating from the facility,” and determined that the city is “likely to prevail” in declaring the odor a public nuisance, according to the ruling.
NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? asked some guy you know for whom hot sauce is “his thing” and other people who have an irrational attachment to food brands. Well, nothing much really. This year’s harvest of chilies has been completed, and there’s still a massive stock of Sriracha in stores throughout the country. You could literally go buy enough Sriracha to last yourself for the rest of your life right now, like, 3 bottles. Also Frank’s is better.
Thanksgiving is a stressful time, filled with all sorts of unavoidable conflicts with family and life-threatening adventures, if your holidays are anything like mine! With that in mind, I’ve come up with a quick list of things you can do to help survive Thanksgiving. It could be the last thing you ever read.
1. No arguing about politics with dad or crocodiles.
2. Organize crafts and activities to keep the children distracted from going feral and turning against you.
3. Assign everyone in the family a little task so they feel involved and appreciated, such as sweeping the perimeter for snipers.
4. No matter how much mom insists, pass up that second helping of her traditional poison dart frog stuffing.
5. Don’t sweat the small stuff! Make sure to sweat some of the stuff, however, as an inability to regulate the body’s internal temperature can lead to fatal anhidrosis.
6. Skip dad’s invitation to toss the old pigskin around out back near the centipede moat.
7. Avoid local soup kitchens as poor people who didn’t work as hard as you did all year congregate there and they want your stuff.
8. Don’t look Thanksgiving in the eye or make any sudden movements if it spots you. It’s likely it will consider this a sign of aggression or confuse you for prey.
9. Keep interactions with the in-laws short and civil, i.e. “Sure is a nice place you’ve got here. Be a real shame if anything were to happen to it, unfortunate-like.” That way everyone knows where they stand right up front.
10. Know your limits early and stick to them. If your previous max is 450 lbs on the squat rack, don’t try to impress everyone by going for a personal best just because it’s a holiday.
11. Don’t surprise everyone by crawling down the chimney with an uncooked turkey on your head shouting “I’m the ghost of a mutant turkey-man and I’m here to get revenge for all of the sins of Thanksgiving past!” because that will likely startle them.
12. Make friends with newcomers to the gathering this year, such as new boyfriends of cousins, especially if they look strong, (i.e. have a more impressive squat max than you.)
13. Be flexible. That way if you need to do any cool parkour moves to evade the dirt-people who live in the basement you won’t be sore later.
14. Anticipate potential problem areas ahead of time, such as religion, or finances, or your sister’s love handles, and then point them out brutally as soon as you arrive, which should stop the old bitch in her tracks for a while won’t it?
15. Don’t gather round the family Toshiba trying to sign up for Obamacare! Haha, that’s the sort of light topical humor the whole family will appreciate. You’ll all be sent off to the death panels in no time if that guy has his way!
16. Remember that if your grandmother tells you you need to eat and that “You look like you’re wasting away, all skin and bones,” she’s getting ready for a pretty involved spell that will result in transferring her consciousness into your young supple flesh. The safest move here is to pretend you are listening to what she has to say, then just walk out of the room like you normally would when old people talk before she has a chance to finish.
It may have taken a few decades to irrevocably take hold, but a surprising victor has emerged in the conflict over Communism in Russia, completing what Gorbachev, Reagan, and the emergence of the oligarchy only began. The vanquishing conqueror? Louis Vuitton.
A giant Louis Vuitton suitcase in Red Square in Moscow has stirred up controversy, as the structure casts a shadow, both literally and metaphorically, over Lenin’s tomb.
Sergei Obukhov, a Duma deputy from the Communist Party, accused the Kremlin of ”undermining state foundations” by ”deriding and mocking” Red Square, which is on UNESCO’s world cultural heritage list, together with the Moscow Kremlin.“I am surprised that the presidential administration and the Federal Guard Service, both of which control the territory, have allowed this raunchiness,” Obukhov told RIA Novosti Tuesday.
The pavilion, which is 30 meters long and 9 meters high, blocks the view of the Spasskaya Tower and the Kremlin wall from some locations.
The Communist Party will complain to the authorities about the pavilion, Obukhov said. The Moscow Times
Was there no giant stature of Ronald McDonald available to bestride the mausoleum in a capitalistic tea-bagging and really seal the deal?
As Lenin once said, “If it were necessary to give the briefest possible definition of imperialism, we should have to say that imperialism is the monopoly stage of capitalism.” Now the stage is his burial ground.
Photo by Igor Tabakov / Moscow Times
We all know Tavi Gevinson is Class President and Yearbook Editor, but what of the other eighty-odd grrrls who keep the school of Rookie Mag running? 19 to 37 years wise, hailing from America, Australia, Mexico, and Poland, each freaks, geeks, and cheerleaders in their own right—here, we introduce you to nine of the forever young wonders who make up Rookie’s Class of 2013.