BULLETT

Here’s something you may not know: The people who perform in pornographic videos are human beings. Weird right? Sometimes they go to college. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they write op-eds for websites, like this one in particular, Belle Knox, did for xoJane, sending the internet into a lotion-gripped flurry of reactionary think pieces and scolding and reverse-scolding and slut-shaming and slut-shaming-shaming. Knox has been, sometimes eloquently, sometimes naively, arguing that she should not be judged for her decision to perform in porn. Agreed there. Especially as someone who consumes porn, I certainly have no right to judge. But there are plenty of people still out there, like her classmate, young Mr. Thomas Bagley, who find the idea of an actual walking, breathing, woman sex-haver in their midst a scandal worth gossiping about.

Bagley, who Knox says outed her to his fraternity brothers after she asked him not to, has caught a face-full of his own medicine of late from a porn CEO named Mike Kulich, who wrote an open letter speculating and/or doxxing about his taste in porn, which  you can read below.

#DORMCORE

After a lot of push back about the idea of a porn company sharing a user’s private information, Kulich has clarified that he was not speaking from actual information about Bagley’s porn subscriptions, but rather making an educated guess.

First off, I would like to thank you for being such a fan of our business. For someone who subscribes to a site like Facial Abuse I want to commend you for spending the $200 a week your parents send you every week for living expenses wisely. Facial Abuse is a great site! There is nothing like watching a new girl getting a huge cock viciously rammed down her throat. I like your taste!

I want to also commend you on getting accepted into Duke. Great school! I am sure your parents are proud. I bet you pull straight A’s when you’re not whacking it to Facial Abuse and Casting Couch movies. I love our fans and I love you! You are the type of guy that makes our business move.

With that I would like to make you an offer. As I sit here in my office at 6:30 on a Wednesday night I am writing a check for $10,000 to pay to the order of Thomas Bagley. I want to give you the opportunity to live out all your fantasies. In addition to that 10K, there is a plane ticket and hotel room with your name on it out here in sunny Los Angeles. Screw the polar vortex. Get your ass out and come shoot for us! I will give you the opportunity to bang ANY porn star you want. We will make you a celebrity because it is apparent how much you love porn and attention.

10 Grand is a lot of money for a kid like you. Do you know how many porn memberships you could buy with that? That is more than a lifetime membership to Facial Abuse!

I ask that you seriously consider our offer. Any girl you want! Come out to LA and become a star. ALSO, for every inch you are packing over 4, I will throw in an EXTRA $1,000. Get your tiny pecker out here and become the next Ron Jeremy kiddo!

Here’s the bottom line: men and women perform in porn. Men and women consume porn. While one or both may not be for you, shaming people for either is the only thing anyone should be called out for.

You ever have that little fantasy around Oscars time, wondering what it might be like if you got to go? What would you wear!? Would Hollywood be exactly like you’d always imagined behind the scenes? Or would it be refreshingly normal, just another workplace office party with more attractive people? Would Jared Leto fall in love with you and whisk you away to a neo-grunge yoga retreat in the Alps or whatever it is he does on his off days? Laura Simpson got to find out first hand, when her longtime friend Jennifer Lawrence brought her along as her date. (Jlaw is gay rumors!) She wrote about it for Myspace, and it’s a pretty funny, and enlightening account. Some highlights:

While every girl I knew squealed and asked what I was wearing I was riddled with anxiety. The day before the Oscars I had a fitting with Dior where I got to try on some beautiful dresses. I was between two dresses: the Carrie Bradshaw all-you-can-eat dress and the Angelina Jolie sexy leg kimono. I really wasn’t sure if I would ever get back to the Oscars so I let my inner Carrie Bradshaw take over and went with the dress with eight pounds of tullle.

And, like Carrie, she quickly fell into the trap of thinking it was all about her, she writes.

The most interesting thing you don’t get to see? The streets outside the event are line with men with machine guns and screaming Jesus freaks. Although that sounds like most streets in America, so maybe not.

Right before you get to the red carpet, you get to Westboro Baptists with huge yellow signs of pictures of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Walker saying “BURNING IN HELL” and other despicable things. It’s so surreal and hate-filled, I feel like I am heading to my own personal Salem Witch Trial. One thing is for sure: They think we’re all going to hell.

And then the big moment: THE FALL. That was her head JLaw grabbed as she fell.

We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats shit and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall. The crowd goes wild. There are flashbulbs and people circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible. I have never experienced anything like it. The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo. Oh and photographers on the carpet yell “YOU IN THE HUGE DRESS, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING SHOT.” It’s incredible. It is no wonder actors are crazy.

Read the rest of the piece here.

While it sounds like a disastrously stupid idea when you first hear about it, the Game of Thrones hip hop mixtape sort of makes sense. Both worlds are violent, always arguing over who is king, treat women horribly, and are obsessed over on the internet constantly by huge dorks. Some marketing genius at HBO saw that synergy potential and ran with it, and so here we are with Catch The Throne, for which acts like Wale, Daddy Yankee, Big Boi, and Common have written original tracks based on the fantastical realm of dragons and tits and dragon tits.

The first of the songs, available on Soundcloud, was “King Slayer” from Wale, and I was just as surprised that you were that it turned out to be pretty good. Cutting up and looping the show’s theme song and throwing a skittering beat under it is inspired, if obvious, but it really sells the drama. Big Boi’s “Mother of Dragons” has all the imposing size of an approaching horde.

Here’s the full tracklist below. Check out the rest here.

1. Big Boi – “Mother of Dragons”
2. Magazeen – “Iron Throne”
3. Bodega Bamz – “Win or Die”
4. Kilo Kish – “Magical Reality”
5. Daddy Yankee – “Born to Rule”
6. Dominik Omega – “Arya’s Prayer”
7. Snow – “Fire”
8. Dee Goodz – “The Parallel”
9. Common – “Interlude/The Ladder”
10. Wale – “King Slayer”

Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift, two young, famous, attractive people whose lives are better than yours, took pictures of their BESTIES 4 EVA road trip along the California coast yesterday, then they posted them on Instagram to make you feel bad about yourself. Did it work? (h/t The Cut)

I call this one “the Shocker”

Is anyone else seeing that creepy statue in the back or have my meds not kicked in here yet?

#TrueDetectiveSeason2 (Canceled)

K: “Just breathtaking. I can’t believe it’s real.”
T: “Thanks I think you’re pretty too.”

Remember those videos from a few years ago of people getting punched in the face in super slow motions? We couldn’t get enough of those. And for good reason, watching someone get knuckle dusted in the squash is funny! If they don’t really get hurt of course. Even better is when someone gets hit in the unexpectedly by a ball. As long as it’s not you!

Kaija Straumanis, a Latvian photographer, has expanded upon the oldest gag in the books by creating a series of photos that show her at the exact moment she’s about to get demolished by an incoming missile. Whether it’s a ball, a boot, a book, or a pumpkin, the deadpan reactions from Straumanis are comedic gold. See more from her here. (h/t Bored Panda)

It’s the rare music video whose story you’re immediately invested in ten seconds into its start, but “Fifteen Minutes” from London’s Breton is compelling from the opening frame to the last? What’s going on here, a murder? A zombie scenario of some sort? All of this pulling and pushing away.

Director Niall O’Brien’s conceit is sold by a riveting performance from actors Francis Magee (Game of Thrones),  and Charlene McKenna

“It’s a video about dragging yourself through relationships,” singer Roman Rappak tells us. “It’s about how everyone’s struggle is different, but just as hard, and just as rewarding.”

The darkly brooding synth-rock track appears on the band’s second album War Room Stories, out now Cut Tooth/Believe Recordings.

“Woah Tiger”, from New York’s Walking Shapes is as taught, wiry, and filled with meandering, unexplored detours as the city its video pays homage to. The clip, shot on  Super 8mm film by Adam Erick Wallace, darts from Kingsland Ave, to Hope St., South 5th and Hooper, the BQE and Williamsburg bridges, the Bowery, Broadway, the LES, the East Village, the Greenpoint waterfront,  their recent residency at  Baby’s All Right in Brooklyn, and everywhere in between all in the course of 3:31 minutes.

This video is part of a short film that stretches out over the course of their entire album  Taka Come On, which the band recorded with Gus Oberg  (The Strokes, Har Mar Superstar, The Virgins). The album, out on No Shame on April 8, as the band explained, “captures the gritty and frenetic energies of our New York City; Brick buildings; stoned streets; cold winters; BK to Manhattan and back in moving subways; rooftops; and sweaty stage performances.”

Every word you’re about to hear from Lindsay Lohan, narrating the first clip to her upcoming “docu-series” “Linday”,  is true, but it’s also a lie:

“There’s nothing left in having a drink for me. What’s left in that feeling? Nothing. There’s no party I haven’t gone to, there’s no person that I haven’t hung out with. There’s no situation I haven’t been exposed to.”

The series, which premieres next Wednesday on the OWN Network, follows the “troubled” “actress” as she tries to get her shit together. It doesn’t always go smoothly.

“This is exactly what everybody said was going to happen. And I believed differently,” Oprah says, when it’s explained to her that LiLo isn’t showing up for her commitments on time.  OH SHIT OPRAH IS IN THIS? Setting DVR now.

It’s worse than you could’ve imagined.

See another extended clip here.

As a wise woman once said,  ”Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.”

Case in point, the video for “Fancy” from Iggy Azalea and Charli XCX, in which the Australia beauty makes like the rap game Cher Horowitz. The video, shot at the same high school where Clueless was filmed, finds the duo recreating some of the film’s iconic scenes and, regrettably or not, bringing back its questionable fashion choices. Eh, it was the 90s, we didn’t know any better. 

Now if you’ll excuse me,  I can’t find my Cranberries CD anywhere. I’ve got to go to the quad before anyone snags it.