BULLETT

Awe-inspiring in its pursuit of singleminded obsolescence, this Pigeons and Planes slideshow listicle 10 Obnoxious Things Hipsters Say About Music is so bad I almost respect it. It’s not easy constructing a fallacy of a premise on top of a cliché of a foundation and then actually following through with the legwork of hefting the shoddy structure up, just sentence after sentence of corrupted, soulless nothingness. This type of dedication to saying literally not one new thing that hasn’t already been said thousands of times on this very subject in thousands of other posts makes me think there has to be some other devious design at work here.

Here are the worst parts of this shameful anchor of taste, humor, and execution, in no particular order:

We listen to so much music, and think about it so much of the time that we can’t help but having strong views.

For the hipster, however, music is just another weapon in the constant war to seem cool.

Being ahead of the curve always feels good, but when it’s turned into a point of arrogance, it just gets absurd.

Ahh fuck it, just gonna repost this whole page of content. Emphasis mine.

“I like the [insert unknown producer here] remix better.”

Remixes can be compelling, interesting takes on a well-known track. Often, a producer with a totally different background or set of sonic touchstones can make a song feel brand new, or can even make it better than the original. But constantly insisting that you like the unknown producer’s remix version of a song is just another way of trying to keep your music taste isolated from the rest of the world. News flash: it’s the digital era, that’s not really going to be possible anymore. Plus it sells the beauty of the original song short to keep pretending that a remix by an unknown producer is always better—odds are, it isn’t.

Just a reminder here, kind of, before we get really going, that none of these things have ever happened to a single human being in the actual world.

If you don’t happen to know, in detail, every band member’s musical endeavours, the hipster will act as if you’re not a true fan. Even worse, they’ll often say that the little-known side project is better than the main band, even though this is very rarely the case.

Hold on, I don’t know if I can choose just one from this paragraph of words, a word paragraph you’d call it, I guess, either.

“Their single is the worst song on the album.”

There’s something about the knowledge that other people listen to the same band as them that really irks hipsters. So of course the single, usually chosen for having the widest appeal, immediately becomes the worst song on the album, almost by default. The mysterious mind of the hipster equates popularity with all the bad things in hipsterdom, but clearly the disdain that they have for singles makes no sense economically or practically. It’s usually the song that the band themselves thinks is the best, and there’s definitely nothing wrong with the entire country hearing a good song, even if they don’t make it all the way through the deep cuts.

I think we can all, in fact, agree that there is nothing wrong with the entire country hearing a good song.

In an attempt to outdo each other, and prove that they truly appreciate how groundbreaking such and such a record was, the hipsters get more and more hyperbolic about more obscure records, until someone is telling you that an acid jazz white label sold only in one record store in Wichita was the most important album of the decade. Get real, and stop trying to impress everyone with outrageous exaggeration.

Again, this has never, ever once happened.

They’re sly little devils, those hipsters.

Just because a record was released before a band got famous, it isn’t their necessarily their best work.

Word up.

In fact, in a lot of cases, as a band gains experience, hones their craft, works with better producers, and generally matures, their music (somewhat unsurprisingly) improves.

Music writers, too.

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It’s been a mixed bag of a month for people concerned about our country’s ability to recognize the basic civil rights of American citizens regardless of sexual identity. On the one hand, Rhode Island, Minnesota, and Delaware all recently legalized gay marriage. This is wonderful news. On the other hand, a New York City man, Mark Carson, was taunted with homophobic slurs by a deranged piece of shit who murdered him in the middle of the street. This was, mind you, in New York City, in a particularly gay-friendly area at that. That certainly wasn’t the only hate-crime perpetrated in the city, or elsewhere throughout the country in recent months.

The slow trudge onward to the point where we can put this ridiculousness behind us, and go about the business of, you know, outrageous decency, takes a few steps forward, even as it takes a few more back. What compels a person to snap so violently at the mere thought of two human beings expressing love for one another remains baffling. An incident today in Paris, however, gives us some hope for a possible way to steer ourselves through these somehow, amazingly, still bigoted times. Is gay marriage driving you literally insane? How about instead of murdering an innocent man, you shoot yourself to death? It will silence the voices in your head, and rid the world of one homophobe at a time. Sounds like a win win we can all get behind.

That’s what Dominique Venner, 78, a far right author in France did today, when he entered the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, placed a letter on the altar, and committed suicide in front of some 1,500 church-goers.

“In a final essay on his website Tuesday, he railed against France’s adoption of a law legalising gay marriage and adoption, urging activists to take measures to protect ‘French and European identities,’” Agence France-Presse reported.

“In a possible reference to his suicide, Venner wrote: ‘There will certainly need to be new, spectacular, symbolic gestures to shake off the sleepiness… and re-awaken the memories of our origins.’

While the public method of his suicide is clearly disturbing, Venner has performed exactly the role that hateful homophobes like he and his far right idealogues throughout Europe and the United States are supposed to do: die off. It’s going to happen to all of them at some point soon enough, so I don’t see any harm in them helping that day come a little sooner by speeding up the process with their own hands.

Ever since the apartment $ubletting $ervice Airbnb, ba$ed in $an Fran$ico, launched in New York City, official$ have been arguing that it violate$ the city’$ law$ here, by $kirting the regulation$ that hotel$ normally have to follow.

Because they’re worried about your safety probably. That has to be it, right?

A judge has finally ruled against a resident who rented out his apartment, assessing $2,400 in fines, a significant discount from the $7,000 they were originally threatening

The New York case is centered around a 2011 law that makes it illegal for New York residents to rent out a property for less than 29 days. It was originally aimed at landlords who bought up residential properties and turned them into hotels. Airbnb has been lobbying legislators to change the law so it clearly protects hosts, like Warren, who are not trying to turn their homes into hotels. CNET

So, the bad news is, you have to think twice now before letting a complete stranger stay in your home while you’re away. On the plus side, you have to think twice now before letting a complete stranger stay in your home while you’re away.

Airbnb has addressed the case, which they were assisting in defending, for obvious reasons.

The sheer power of a tornado can be hard to fathom, until you’ve seen one in action. Monday’s tornado, which devastated Oklahoma, looks to be one of the more destructive examples in recent memory, with dozens reported killed as of this morning. This video, uploaded by a Reddit user (via Uproxx) gives us a pretty clear look at exactly how such destruction can happen. The user who shared the video, taken by his father, explained more:

He was out that way for work today and just happened to be in the right place at the right time. He was worried it was going to come back at him and was searching for a way to scoot out it’s way once he was able to gauge how insanely close it was to him. He hung in there, though. Unbelievable. (via)

Sadly, it is.

The annual Manhattan Cocktail Classic is underway, with two booze-filled days left to go. It’s a chance for bartenders and industry types from around the world to get together and share their knowledge with each other (aka get wasted for work). There’s a full lineup of panels, tastings, and lectures about the wide world of spirits going throughout the city today and tomorrow, which you can see here, including events at some of the best cocktail bars in the city, like Mayahuel, and Pouring Ribbons. Last night, in the pursuit of truth and knowledge, I subjected myself to a bar crawl through the East Village for you, and found some of the best cocktails you need to try, whether or not you’re interested in all the biz-talk.  Here are a few bars you need to check out this week, and the cocktails you’ll want to order. Apologies for the progressively worsening quality of the pictures, but, you know: cocktails happened.

The Beagle. Try:  Gin, aquavit, ginger, line cucumber

Evelyn. Try: S. George gin, green chartreuse, cardamon, agave, lime, grapefruit bitters, absinthe

The Wayland.  Try: Bourbon, Cynar, chiptole infused agave nectar, bitters, mezcal rinse.

Last night Justin Bieber, the pop game Joffrey Baratheon, accepted the first ever Milestone Award for musical ingenuity and innovation at the Billboard Music Awards, an event that happened and was televised. The award, you will be surprised to hear, was chosen by the fans, and not a panel of straggly-whiskered musical elders pontificating about Integrity and Authenticity or whatever else it is old and MAD people talk about while hotboxing their own word farts.

Not everyone was happy with the choice, of course (and not just pop game Cersei Lannister, Taylor Swift, who gives a 4/10 on the Swiftian reaction shot schadenfreude scale here). A series of boos rung out through the audience while Bieber ascended the stairs to the stage. Maybe not as much as some people are making it sound, but boos nonetheless.

Bieber, the consumate professional, took it all in stride.

“I’m 19 years old. I think I’m doing a pretty good job,” he said, with understated grace. “And basically, from my heart, I really just want to say it really should be about the music, the craft that I’m making. This is not a gimmick, I’m an artist, and I should be taken seriously.”

And you know what, for the first time ever, I think I might agree with him here. Sure, he dresses up in goofy pants-based stunt gags every day, and acts out from time to time, but what teenager doesn’t? Teenagers, you may remember from having been one yourself, are imbeciles. But some of them happen to be talented imbeciles, and that’s the engine that drives our culture, for better or worse. Not many of us know what it’s like to be millionaire imbeciles with legions of insane fans throughout the world who would push their own mothers down the stairs to get a chance to finger floss with his shoelaces. I bet it’s pretty stressful and weird. Not, you know, as stressful as being a poor loser like the rest of us, but a different kind of stress.

There’s a reason this whole Justin Bieber thing happened in the first place, and it wasn’t because of his pants, or his sunglasses, or whatever other things we can easily make fun of, it was because of his talent. It’s still there if you want to look for it.

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I’m not exactly sure if this makes him the best Tea Party Congressman ever, or the worst, but Florida’s Trey Radal has got some pretty good taste in music. From Eric B to Daft Punk and Public Enemy, the conservative lawmaker, and believer in Prosperity, Liberty, and Integrity, seems like the kind of chill bro you could kick back and burn with, as long as the discussion didn’t stray too far from music. His affinity for hip hop has been making the rounds lately, but Esquire obtained some of his original productions today, and, well, it could be a lot worse. He explains the inspiration behind his beats, like his remix of Public Enemy, which you can hear, along with a few others, here.

“I philosophically differ on a whole lot from Chuck D — and that would be an understatement — but there’s no question, I believe in absorbing as much culture as possible in life. “Bring the Noise” is one of the songs that just hopped out in the ’80s, and it just blew me away as a kid. It’s way faster than a typical 85 BPM, and it’s about the area where you can begin to evolve into a sound that is a much more up-tempo house sound, so I was able to start working in the beats, the synths, and samples into it. [The "I ain't waiting for shit" line at the end of the looped "They gonna have to wait" bridge] is just a sample from some TV show.”

All that said, keep in mind that just because someone has pretty good taste music does not mean they’re also not a deranged libertarian whacko. Not saying that necessarily applies to Radel, just pointing out the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Look, we’ve all been there, washing blood off of our hands in a creepy bathroom, only to be chased through the forest by an unseen menace. Classic coming of age story. It’s the predicament at the heart of this new video “Go Ask Your Mother” from the Oakland-based band Legs’ LP Pass the Ringo on Loglady Records. The band is led by Jeffrey Harland and New Zealand native Matt Bullimore, who, as you do, met while trading Weezer bootlegs in a Safeway parking lot. The creepy vibe of the clip is in stark contrast to the sunny, fuzz-wave pop of the track, which skips along on rush of organ and crunchy guitar exuberance.

We asked Harland to explain the concept behind the video

“The video stars Landon Bates, he’s a friend and plays in a rad local band called Disappearing People,” he explained. He also makes a really believable murderer, so, someone look into that.

“The concept was that Landon would play a character who is both the victim and the aggressor of some incident off screen, or perhaps just in his mind. Something like a psychological thriller where the killer turns out to be the last person you’d expect. Landon’s last name is Bates by the way.”

“The first line I wrote for that song was the last part ‘go ask your mother if she loves you now’, and it seemed like such a weird, mean, passive-agressive line to tell someone. Like, if you really hated someone, that would be a cruel thing to say.”

The thing about mothers though, is they tend to forgive you for anything you do, right? Almost anything.

“My lyrics are generally autobiographical but also stream of consciousness in that I’ll write everything down and keep what works for a particular song. So, if anything, the songs about taunting myself, dissing my shortcomings, and egging me on to ask a pretty scary question. In that way, the video works to conjure up the bedroom loneliness I felt of writing a song about whether or not my mom would still love me after I had done something awful.”

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Business Insider has a list up today called 16 Wildly Successful People Who Majored In English, and it goes a little something like this: “English majors get a bad rap in today’s college debate, and it seems they always have. It’s argued that their education doesn’t provide the necessary skills required in today’s economy.” Like, for example, math. “We’ve included 17 people who prove that success is determined by your drive, not background,” they say, which I guess if you round it down it’s close enough to 16. Maybe it’s a metaphor? That’s an English major thing.

So who are these wildly successful former book-reading, layabouts? Sting, the musician, who did manage to rhyme cough with Nabokov once, so that counts. Also, it says here he was an an actual teacher before his music career, which means the storyline of that song was probably biographical. Gross.

Who else? Mitt Romney! Bahaha, had no idea about this one. Apparently he got his undergrad in English at Brigham Young before going on to become a anthropomorphized walking dollar bill with a penis for a head. How did he get so successful? English! Also his father handed it all to him. But, you know, English majoring had to play a part in that somehow.

Then there’s a couple of CEOs, bla bla bla, followed by Conan O’Brien, Bob Woodward, and Barbara Walters, because, weird, a comedy writer and a couple of journalists were English majors? Did not see that one coming. Next up is Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who, much like your humble blogger here, was an English major at the College of Holy Cross. Sure, so I may just be a blogger, and not a Supreme Court Justice, but at least I didn’t turn into literally the least engaged, scandal-plagued, worst of the Supreme Court Justices, so there is that.

See the rest of the 16-17 successful former English majors here.  Then drop out of your program and start studying something you can actually make a living with, like fashion, or rock music, or hang gliding, because these are the outliers. Another thing these successful people all have in commom: Yale, Princeton, Harvard, Dartmouth, Amherst… Maybe try going to one of those schools if you can. Free advice right there.

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Katy Goodman, of the Vivian Girls and La Sera, did an internet, and we saw it, and under the terms of our content-creator contract and blog crush, we are legally compelled to share it with you here. Here it is. Good job everyone. Her friend did it too. That friend is Greta Morgan of the Hush Sound. Here’s what they wrote about it on their Bandy Camps (via COS):

While hiking past the Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles, friends Katy Goodman and Greta Morgan were struck with the idea to record a song together: A song about physics and love, science and romance, space and time. Have you ever felt the lovesick pain of falling for someone from a different dimension? We have too.

The next morning, the girls recorded “Space Time” in Greta’s tiny rehearsal space in Glassell Park. While “Space Time” may not be a hit in this dimension yet, the song is topping charts in many others. The girls have plans to tour the Andromeda Galaxy this summer, appear in Bode’s Galaxy this Fall, and make an appearance at the Omega-Palooza Festival to break up the 2.9 million light-year long trip home.

Until then, they will continue enjoying life in this space-time, where Katy is writing the next La Sera album and Greta is about to embark on a tour with The Hush Sound.

Wonder sometimes what that block of text says.