Hating on the 1% is so last year. Besides, the global elite may seem like they have it all, but what’s the point of all that luxury if no one thinks you’re cool? It’s time for wealthy conservatives to reclaim serious style from the calloused paws of the young creative class. So get ready for #trustpunk, the look of the summer for rich people. Think Mitt Vicious and Nancy Reagan, and take a cue from the Metropolitan Museum’s “Punk” Gala: there’s no need to shift ideologies when you can change your look. And while we’re sure you know a few #trustpunks—they’re probably busy pillaging your media jobs or joining the satanic cult you knew about “way before it was cool”—here is our definitive guide to #trustpunk. Because believe it or not, it is possible for affluent rabble-rousers to enjoy 18 holes and totally “get” Death Grips.
Don’t engage in the country’s corrupt commerce system, by having your parents pay your rent. Vote for a change (in your weekly clothing allowance). Pull yourself up by your Balmain bootstraps. Insist you can’t be racist, because your AmEx is black. #Occupy a BMW M3 with a Crass logo air freshener, freshly spritzed with Bond No. 9. Recreate the CBGB’s vibe on your Aunt’s pool deck in the Hamptons, but play T-Pain instead of rock. Classy, well-groomed bitches hate guitars.
Evading millions upon millions of dollars in taxes shouldn’t ruin a party, but don’t be caught dead stealing small sums to feed yourself because honey, you look like shit in orange. Don’t ever get caught compensating minorities to help you appeal to a broader base—unless of course, you’re a company, in which case, do this always.
Seersucker suits with the anarchy “A” spray-painted on back. Company polo shirts (bonus points for drug companies!) with torn Tripp NYC denim and winklepickers. Pleated chinos with a studded belt and creepers. Titleist visors with Manic Panic’ed hair. Footjoys (“the mark of a player”) or custom flatform Sperrys. Asking the housekeeper to stud your Valentino shirt-collar. Stealing things you can afford from Search & Destroy. Anything Givenchy.
The Goldman Sachs Pistols, Dead Kennedys, GG Booz Allin, The Buzzkochs, Pete Doherty, Sky Ferreira. Self-releasing an “Entitled LP”. Remember that any rock can be yacht rock, when actually played on a yacht.
So now you’re ready to be a #trustpunk. Since stylistic relevance is the only thing you increasingly confused internet vermin are contributing to society, it’s time to take a break from the bread line and snap up some (thrifted) Brooks Brothers or pit-stained Ralph Lauren to wear with your patched up jean jacket. Half of you are already drowning in McDonald’s and Monster Energy Drink logos, so why not take the next step and literally become your oppressor? This summer, slide on those Wayfarers, cue up “The NSA Took My Data Away” on the Bose, and enjoy the real sense of anarchy and “fucking the system” that comes with hoarding generations of cash, and giving back zero fucks. Serf’s up!