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The Year in Review: Sex Scenes

Featured

The Year in Review: Sex Scenes

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2014 was a great year for sex scenes, specifically actresses in sex scenes.

Yes, this year the ladies stole the show, not just because when it comes to onscreen banging, they typically offer more to ogle (with the exception of Ben Affleck’s super brief reveal in Gone Girl, we didn’t see many famous dongs this year), but because they took control. Whether they were brutally murdering their costars or showing their tits for the very first time, it was the ladies who made 2014 a notable year for sex scenes.

Below I break down a few of my favorite female coitus performances (Warning: Spoilers and/or NSFW maybe?). Feel free to disagree but please, for the love of god, do not do so in the comments section.

Shailene Woodley, White Bird in a Blizzard

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Shailene Woodley’s sex scenes in Greg Araki’s White Bird in a Blizzard are pretty tame and boring compared to the others on this list, however since this marks the first time the former child actress goes nude onscreen, they deserve some attention. Woodley, who as a child played Marissa Cooper’s little sister in the earlier episodes of The O.C. (she was later replaced by Willa Holland, who was old enough to have sex and do drugs like the other characters), is all grown up and looking super banging in this movie. The actress doesn’t just strip down once; she gets an entire sexual montage with costar Shiloh Fernandez as well as a less graphic romp with Thomas Jane (who knows a thing or two about sex scenes from his HBO show, Hung). If this film is any indication, we foresee more risqué onscreen intercourse in Woodley’s future.

Katherine Waterston, Inherent Vice

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The most heartbreaking, genuine scene in Paul Thomas Anderson’s Pynchon adaptation comes courtesy of its sex scene between the film’s hippie hero, Doc (Joaquin Phoenix), and his former old lady, Shasta (Waterston). Here, Waterston divulges the disturbing details of her relationship with real estate mogul Mickey Wolfman, completely nude (if I looked like Waterston naked, I would give all my personal confessionals naked) before getting savagely spanked and, eventually, screwed by Pheonix. It’s the sort of scene PTA fanboys can’t help but dissect online until it loses all meaning.

Stacy Martin and Charlotte Gainsbourg, Nymphomaniac

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It wouldn’t be a round up of sex scenes in 2014 without mentioning Nymphomaniac. Lars von Trier’s two-part magnum opus offers a little bit of everything in its many, many, many sex scenes – most of which do not feature any actual intercourse. We get humor (Charlotte Gainsbourg’s scene with the dueling black guys), brutality (in her sadistic scenes with Jamie Bell), awkwardness (when Stacy Martin loses her V-card to Shia LaBeouf)… In fact, the only thing Nymphomanic is lacking in is actual sexiness.

Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

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This is, in my humble opinion, the most memorable, shocking and masterful sex scene of the year. So rarely do we get to see sex and bloody murder in one fell swoop (two of my favorite onscreen guilty pleasures) and in this scene, Fincher delivers both in a symphony of hot, brutal, bloody carnage. This scene offers astounding technicality (I’ve read it took hours of rehearsal) and the super hot bods of Pike and Harris, all while playing a pivotal role in this totally fucked up story. This, my perverted comrades, is a thing of beauty.

Best in Show: Eva Green, 300: Rise of an Empire and Eva Green, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) trailer -- Pictured: Eva Green (Screengrab)

If 2014 taught us anything it’s that having sex with Eva Green would be awesome. The 34-year-old French megababe had the two hottest, most uninhibited sex scenes of the year, both in sequels that were mediocre at best.

The first, which was likely the most talked about sex scene of the year, came courtesy of hedonistic bro-fest 300: Rise of an Empire. Green plays Artemisia, a batshit crazy Persian commander, leading her people in battle against the Greeks, led by Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton). When the two leaders meet up to “negotiate,” they instead decide to bang it out, having the sort of romp that, IRL, would definitely require a safe word.

The second occurs in the Sin City reboot, A Dame to Kill For. Truth be told, I didn’t see this movie, but I did watch the Eva Green/Josh Brolin sex scene online and it did not disappoint. In both highly stylized sex scenes, Green steals the show, not just because her body is freaking ridiculous, but because she has that dangerous sort of sexuality which, Vulture accurately points out, is akin to an early Angelina Jolie. Hollywood, we politely request more Eva Green sex scenes in 2015. And if you didn’t get enough naked Green with these two gems, she’s also nude (and psycho as fuck) in the aforementioned White Bird in a Blizzard.

Worst in Show: Zoe Kazan, In Your Eyes

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You probably didn’t see this movie because it was never in theaters (it’s streamable online and on Netflix) and it’s not very good (even though it gets shockingly decent reviews by my go-to vetting websites), but the sex scene in it is so strange and awkward it’s definitely worth mentioning. In this offbeat indie romance (barf), New York princess Rebecca Porter (Zoe Kazan) and ex con bad boy Dylan Kershaw (Michael Stall-David) can see through one another’s eyes, despite living on opposite ends of America. They can also chat with one another and feel what the other is feeling physically (i.e. if Dylan get’s punched in the face, Rebecca screams and falls off her chair at a dinner party).

Eventually they fall in love and use their bizarre powers to hook up, which basically entails touching themselves all over. To make things even more uncomfortable onscreen, director Brin Hill occasionally had Kazan’s hands touching Stall-David’s bod and vice versa. It’s all set to the tune of some very cheesy indie ballad and it’s freaking awesome in its own, terrible way.