While You Were Away: All the Bad Pop Culture Jokes You Missed


While You Were Away: All the Bad Pop Culture Jokes You Missed



A lot of stuff happened over the weekend while you were definitely not surreptitiously checking your phone every ten minutes when the s.o. went inside from the pool/fell asleep at the beach/droned on and on over dinner about that one guy at work that really gets her goat, so here’s a quick recap:

Storm delays at Lollapalooza

Tens of thousands of concertgoers in Chicago were forced to evacuate the city’s Lollapalooza as severe storms descended upon the city Saturday. Music was halted about 3:30 p.m. CST, and many fans were directed to one of three underground parking garages designated as “emergency evacuation shelters.”

Fans were told to leave the Grant Park festival about one hour before the storms hit. All told, Lollapalooza was shut down for just under three hours. LA Times

Sounds like *clears throat* washed out and electro were still the most popular genres at this year’s music festival. *farts into mic*

Bolt streaks to gold

Speaking of bad puns, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt won the gold medal in the 100 meters at the Olympics in front of an estimated viewing audience of two billion people, nearly all of which must have been on Twitter, causing it to slow down dreadfully while I was desperate to get out a version of that awesome Lollapalooza joke above. “The thunderbolt strikes again” trumpeted the Evening Standard“Lightning Bolt strikes gold” riffed the Daily Mail. “Oh right, because of his name,” I said like five minutes after staring at those headlines. Also streaking for gold? This lady.

Important birthdays

A few of the most important people in the really unbalanced recipe that went into creating my own personal brand celebrated birthdays over the weekend, including New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, the late sensitive indie rocker Elliott Smith, and secret Muslim/radical Christian small-business hating illegal alien false president Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, while the anniversary of Marilyn Monroe’s death was observed Sunday. Any single one of those people would’ve been hilariously dreadful at any of the others’ job.

Although  now that I’m thinking about it, Tom Brady in a sexy dress and a knit cap finger-plucking his way through “Between the Bars” while signing a piece of important legislation is the most amazing thing I have ever imagined.

Natalie Portman weds long time boyfriend

Though she’s been wearing a very suspect ring for months now, the Oscar winner formally swapped vows with Black Swan choreographer Benjamin Millepied in a Jewish ceremony Saturday evening in front of family and friends in the coastal California region of Big Sur, according to Us Weekly. E! Online

Among the famed choreographer’s most challenging dance moves on set, we’re told, was the traditional inseminating pas de uterus. Ever the pro, Portman followed instructions to the t.

*light coughing from back of room*


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