How often should married couples have sex? It’s the question posed by this Wall Street Journal column earlier this week, which profiles Chris and Afton Mower, a married Mormon couple from Utah. That’s actually a pretty interesting question, sure, but here’s a better one: if you weren’t having enough sex with your spouse, why in the good fuck would you agree to be profiled about it in a national newspaper?
The Mowers, like many other couples throughout the world who had the good sense to keep that shit to themselves, are experiencing the slow creep of bed death. Why? Well, there are a few clues. For one, they’re high school sweethearts. There’s your first mistake right there.
As things got worse, Chris began worrying, and looking for ways to fix it. He began doing more chores around the house, because he heard that women liked men who do chores. That’s probably true, but, and this is probably going to sound a little weird, I think that has more to do with them not being exhausted from having to do all the chores? Who wouldn’t appreciate that?
What else could it be though? Let’s take a look:
Months stretched into years. Mr. Mower tracked their sex life in a notebook he kept in his nightstand. He drew a chart and filled in different-shaped dots to represent various scenarios: He initiated sex but was declined. They planned on sex but didn’t follow through.
Can’t really see anything unsexy about someone charting out his sexual successes and failures in a notebook. That’s a tried and true seduction technique right there. Just ask sabermetrics nerds, those dudes are swimming in pussy.
Mr. Mower says he was rebuffed 95% of the time; his wife says his memory is highly subjective. He became grumpy, gained weight and stopped wanting to come home at night. “For me to feel good about myself, I needed her to have sex with me,” he says. “Otherwise I thought she didn’t love me.”
As New York mag point out, this is where shit gets really mind-blowing in this piece here.
It is overly simple to assume male sexuality is primarily biological and that men are constantly looking for a physical outlet, says Esther Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City and author of “Mating in Captivity.” Men, much more than women, relate to a partner through sex, she says, as evidenced by their fear of rejection, concerns about performance and desire to please. “When a man gets depressed because he’s not being touched, it’s just like the little boy who stands in his crib and cries to be picked up,” she says. “He is experiencing emotional deprivation.”
Still, there is a chemical reaction going on. Physical touch of any kind drives up the brain’s oxytocin levels, for both men and women. Orgasm causes the brain to release oxytocin and vasopressin, the “feel-good” hormones that promote attachment. Men may rely on their partner not just for sex, but for most of their nonsexual touch as well. They tend to have orgasms more frequently than women and to get a testosterone boost from them, which makes them feel better. “Take sex away and they don’t have the chemical stimulants that give them a sense of well-being,” says Helen Fisher, a Rutgers University research scientist in anthropology.
In other words, if you’re depriving your man of sex, you are literally stunting his emotional growth, and depriving him of his only source of happiness in the world: vagina. It’s your fault, women. Do your duty for America. For mankind.