November 25, 2012

Well, well, well. Thanksgiving has already come and gone (which seems impossible, as Halloween was, like, two days ago), and with the dulcet tones of ARK Music Factory-founder Patrice Wilson’s latest “let’s make this terrible enough to get some lucrative viral hits”-video, It’s Thanksgiving, we had a crucial one-song soundtrack for the event. We were all able to huddle around the TV as we pretended to be interested in the Thanksgiving Day Parade, sweet sounds of pre-teen exploitation jingling along in the background. (Personally, I’m firmly in the “you can start playing Christmas music on Thanksgiving day itself camp, but I know that it isn’t a universally-shared stance.)

All in all, it’s been a fairly disappointing pop culture week otherwise. First and foremost, the announcement was made that Chevy Chase will not be returning to Community after its painfully-delayed fourth season. It appears that the powers that be which surround that show are not going to be content until they’ve driven every last rabid fanboy/girl to suicide over increasingly bad news about cast and crew shakeups. It seems reasonable to expect their next press release will be about about Donald Glover being burned alive during the taping of the season finale.

And over on the reality side of things, Kanye West is reportedly telling his moderately-lifelike RealDoll Kim Kardashian that she needs to get out of the reality business once and for all (despite having appeared on her show himself several times). Aside from the in-your-face misogyny of telling your female better half what she should be doing with her career, fortune, and personal image, a Kim K without a gaudy reality show surrounding her daily minutia seems unfathomable. Without the camera crew, it feels as though her very being would evaporate in a wisp of pink-and-leopard-print smoke, unable to sustain itself without constant approval and an egregious check for doing absolutely nothing. Whether or not she chooses to follow him over to the Promised Land of actually creating things for a living remains to be seen, though I have my reservations.

Meanwhile, over on the ever-depressing paparazzi side of the internet, approximately one zillion news outlets picked up a story about Jennifer Lawrence looking zesty and toned in her bikini body. While I don’t begrudge the girl her flat stomach and visually pleasing curves, I can’t help but feel an acute disappointment in seeing the blatant objectification of someone who comes across as so normal and down-to-earth in her interviews and public appearances (though, let’s not kid ourselves, it could very well be her PR team just harvesting jokes off of Tumblr and spoon-feeding them to her before she goes on Letterman). Regardless of whether or not she intended to be photographed when she went out that day, it certainly crushes my beautiful, fragile dream of a female movie star with whom the press is more interested in her personality/wit than her areola-to-breast ratio.

Lil’ Wayne is taking anti-seizure medication now after a recent medical emergency on his private jet. No word yet as to whether he is taking said medication by mixing it in a red Dixie cup with some sprite in between blunts.

Over in cinemas, surprise of surprises, Breaking Dawn has been “breaking records.” (Look at this hilarious-yet-breezily-placed pun use — the fact that I am not writing saucy, quip-filled movie reviews for a mid-size city newspaper is nothing short of criminal.) In all seriousness, though, they are putting up insane numbers, as anticipated, and breaking many opening records in various countries that are not America and therefore don’t count at all. I am caught between a mild smirk of victory of this last installment of the franchise not unseating other, more deserving opening weekends, and their record-smashing performances in countries who are undoubtedly taking this as a spectacle of American culture, art, and filmmaking savvy. It was all I could do not to shout at the multiple-block lines outside of theaters here in Paris for the film “You guys have actual culture! What are you doing with your lives? You had to work for this money!”

Now it just remains to be seen whether or not, on its race to conquer Thanksgiving-weekend records, Twilight‘s trashy pseudo-art will be out-American’d by people trampling each other to death while trying to buy a discount Barbie car today. The world is catching onto Black Friday, at least in terms of special sales and promotions, and it’s best to just pretend like they’re not initiating these riots disguised as clearance sales to thin out their population a little bit. Either way, enjoy that 70 percent-off couch!

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