We couldn’t imagine a better week to start things off, as we learned more this week about our fellow human than we could through several years of terrible couple’s counseling. The Presidential elections were held and, though politics is not pop culture in the technical sense of the word, it would be silly to ignore the similarities in social media presence and viral advertising between getting a President elected and forming the next, significantly-less-successful One Direction on X Factor. In both cases, your Facebook news feed is guaranteed to be filled with memes of one or both candidates doing something unintentionally hilarious. I would tell you how many times I saw a picture of Barack Obama photoshopped onto 2 Chainz’s body with the clever slogan 2 Termz underneath him, but that number has not been fully quantified or labeled by science as of press time.
In any case, our President was re-elected, and it’s a safe bet that most people on your various social media were pretty pumped about it (provided that you are under 60 and don’t live in Mississippi). Sure, you have your errant weird aunt out in the midwest who is taking this as the first official sign of the apocalypse and is writing statuses about how now she’s going to go on welfare so that she can buy herself a new Mercedes, but it’s best to just ignore her. She’ll get over it soon enough and be back to promoting her Pinterest links on how to make the perfect pumpkin hot cocoa, squirreling away her hatred for when a black person wins American Idol again.
In all the kerfuffle surrounding the election, it was hard to notice much of anything else—but the pop culture behemoth kept on churning, never slowing down. Outside of the occasional celebrity humiliating him or herself by doing things like wearing the sartorial equivalent of a Magnum condom with Barack Obama’s name filled in on it (looking at you, Katy Perry), or putting out tortured screeds on the potential future that their children will never get to see (really, Stacey Dash?), most of pop culture was business as usual. The aforementioned One Direction appeared on X Factor, which I can only assume was a clause included in the flaming contract they signed with the devil to become so famous off what is, lest we be so quick to forget, a singing competition show. In the traditional order of the world, they should be relegated to the K-Mart-exclusive CD releases and mall appearances with the Clay Aikens and Jordin Sparkses of the world, but they have managed to become nothing short of an international sensation. One could almost hear Simon Cowell achieving full arousal through the television to the dulcet tones of preteen girls buying official 1D merchandise.
Rihanna released a new music video, which we can only hope will prove to be just as passable as all of her other hits. I look forward to many months of hearing it in the background at a club and vaguely thinking, “Hey, I’ve heard this song before,” before ordering another vodka soda.
And, as the walking publicity stunt that is Kimye’s relationship churns on with unflappable resolve, Kim was seen out and about this week wearing a ring with Kanye’s initials. While it’s hard to say what exactly this may imply, other than a desire to bring Perez Hilton’s writing team to collective orgasm over having something new to speculate about the couple, it’s certain that it will extend our cultural fascination with the pair for at least another 1.34 weeks. We can look forward to a winter full of memes about how much Beyoncé disapproves of Kim’s presence in their social group, and how strange in general it is that someone as objectively talented as Kanye West would date, of all people, Life Size Angel Barbie whose purpose in life is to film as much of her daily minutiae as possible until even her mailman has his own macabre spinoff show about finding a girlfriend after the death of his late wife.
Tune in next week, when we find out how long it takes people on Facebook to stop writing self-congratulatory statuses about not having voted for Mitt Romney, and which celebrity is going to release a Thanksgiving-themed sex tape to get us in the spirit of holidays. Gobble gobble!