If you’re a regular human being who goes about your daily routine conducting transactions in which you exchange currency for goods and services, you’ve probably found yourself cursing the unfairness of a cruel, indifferent god that would design a universe in which you had to stand in front of a cash register for an extra motherfucking second for fuck’s sake waiting for a receipt to print out for something you just spent roughly a few dollars on, just so you can go carry it all the way over there to the trash/crumple it up on the floor of your car/leave it on the counter like an asshole. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME LORD? your soul cries out in line at Dunkin Donuts. I’ve already spent three more minutes in this purgatorial abyss waiting for the guy in work boots and shorts to stop flirting awkwardly with the register girl about what kind of muffin he wants. Now this?
Someone else who feels that existential pain more acutely than the rest of us this week is erstwhile NFL star Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson. The one time
Cincinnati Bengal New England Patriot Miami Dolphin was arrested over the weekend for allegedly assaulting his wife after she reportedly found a receipt for condoms in his car. Adding insult to injury, he was soon dropped from the Dolphins.
A condom does what now?” old teammate Tom Brady asked.
Who saves a receipt for condoms? you might be wondering, which is a great question. Why would we be given a receipt for condoms in the first place? is a better one. Why a receipt for anything under, say, a hundred dollars? It brings to mind the old Mitch Hedberg bit about this very predicament:
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file . . . under ‘D’, for doughnut.’”