Last year around the release of her “How to Be a Heartbreaker” video, Marina and the Diamonds, a glorious, swan-like being of purity and light, pointed out that her label had balked at releasing the video because she “looked ugly.” This was funny, because obviously this gorgeous international pop star is far from ugly, which was the premise of my post on the matter.
The frightfully grizzled Diamandis, who’s managed to somehow overcome the music industry’s unhealthy obsession with beauty with the thankfully invisible sound patterns of the music released under the moniker Marina and the Diamonds up until this point, perhaps through some sort of mutant-strength as of yet not understood by science, has said the label won’t release the video until she goes back in the studio for overdubs to auto-tune her repugnant countenance. Also to shave off her horns.
What should’ve been obvious to any but the most fanatical children, is that this was satire. Fortunately for us, there was just such a group on hand last night to completely miss the point. Somehow coming across the post months later, the fan club was out in full force last night, laying into me on Twitter for the sin of disrespecting their heroine. You can read most of the best ones, which I retweeted here, but a few highlights to set the tone:
It was like a local community theatre version of Patrick Carney of the Black Keys versus Beliebers. Even after explaining that it was obvious satire, most of the fans still didn’t seem to get the joke, which, ugh, fine, I will reluctantly point out, against my better judgement, that no, I don’t think she’s a “loathsome creature” who somehow “managed to manipulate her crab-clawed digits into the correct patterns that would enable her to operate a keyboard of some sort” through “some special insectoid-oxen-mutant interface on her iPhones.” I also do not think that looking at her picture forces one to confront a “Gorgon-like, unforgiving gaze of this wretched beast.”
Adding to my amusement of the whole situation was how much of an OG Marina fan I am. I’ve written about a dozen fawning pieces on her over the years, including a nice interview with her in Bullett after this post in question.
So far, so stupid, right? But there is an important takeaway from a situation like this, which I tried to explain to the team of fans, all of whom had a picture of the singer as their avatar: Don’t base your life and identity around an entertainer. They don’t care about you. Unfortunately, that too fell on deaf ears.
@lukeoneil47 Marina loves her diamonds more than anything. Marina saved our lives & she wouldn’t be where she is without us. We’re a family.
— ♡SU-BARBIE-A♡ (@MarinasTiara) July 29, 2013
@lukeoneil47 just because she doesn’t care about YOU doesnt mean she doesn’t care about us…. asshole.
— Dr. Drakken (@marinasnigga) July 29, 2013
I’m sure Marina is a lovely human being. I’m a big fan of her music, and she’s been very nice to me the few times I’ve interviewed her, but the whole point of the post in the first place was that it is literally ridiculous for anyone to suggest that Marina is anything but the ideal of pop-star beauty. The whole “Aww shucks you guys, big bad Hollywood thinks I’m ugly :(” routine, which is a common motif in her branding, is pandering and disingenuous fishing. To no one’s surprise, it seems like it really worked. Most music fans are fucking stupid.