“A guarantee is a guarantee,” explains this extremely competent Dunkin Donuts customer, who has a business degree and has a lawyer, by the way, and wants you to know that this is all being video recorded for posting on Facebook (via Gawker). Here’s a guarantee: this person will die alone, her family and friends long since having divested themselves of whatever lingering scraps of curdled affection they’ve hefted on their shoulders all these years.
So what’s her complaint? She didn’t receive her receipt at a visit the previous day, and is therefore entitled to, well, she’s just entitled, let’s put it that way. Watch the video, shot vertically, of course, to find out. Seriously, watch it.
This can’t be real, right? This is almost too perfect, particularly that lingering, sad shot on the guy that has the misfortune to walk up behind her. “It’s your issue, and I have my own issues,” he says when she attempts to pull him into her orbit of shit. Very true. 🙁
Oh. Oh wait, I just got to the inevitably racist part. Not sure how I didn’t see that coming. “Guess what, this shit’s about to go live, bitch, right on Facebook, because I already posted what your dumb ass did last night. So I hope you’re happy with your little fucking sand nigger self. I’m about to nuke your whole fucking planet for Mars. You think y’all are tough, big bad Arabs bombing the Trade Center. I’ll show you tough. I’m not done. You didn’t give me my water, and you didn’t give me my Coollata.”
Best sentence ever?
“It’s all going to be on YouTube,” she says. “I hope it gets a million fucking hits.”
I think she’s going to get her wish there.
If you’re left feeing bereft about the state of humanity after watching this, this old classic from Mitch Hedberg should cheer you up.
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D.'”