Chanel just staged a gorgeously ambitious, very Chanel show set against the backdrop of a goddamn rainforest. They also launched a hand cream. And while the former deserves all the praise and hyperbolic adoration, the latter receives a mention at best. But no, no, no, not for Vogue. Vogue posits that this hand cream might just “change your life.” A hand cream?! Okay I’m listening.
Let’s just get something out of the way: in the grand scheme of things, keeping one’s hands hydrated is not very important. It’s not even as important as keeping your face hydrated. So even in the specific realm of beauty, hand moisture is pretty low on the list of priorities. Even if Chanel’s “La Crème Main” (which, yes, translates simply to “hand cream”) is the best goddamn hand cream in the world, I highly doubt it’s life-changing. I doubt even more that it can do even half of the things this Vogue article says it can. Here are some of my favorite descriptions of the hand cream.
“The pint-sized product, titled La Crème Main, is shaped like an ergonomic pod and looks like a très chic stress pebble—one of those squeezable stones that you manipulate around the palm of your hand with your fingers to ward off stiffness from obsessively checking Instagram all day.”
“Perhaps most gratifying is the clever little retractable, cross-shaped dispenser that prevents even the most accident-prone from squirting out more than the tiny dollop of lotion needed.”
“Rendering it safe to say, in more ways than one, that this hand cream’s benefits are as mood-elevating as they are long-lasting.”
Mood-elevating? Are there drugs in the hand cream or is everyone just smoking something over there at Vogue? How much does Chanel pay annually to advertise in your glossy pages?
Listen, I don’t fault the writer, who pulled out every trick in the book to make this post on hand cream seem… necessary. Maybe I’m blaming Chanel for making Vogue write about their hand cream in a dedicated post in the first place. Maybe a more realistic post titled “I Tried Chanel’s New Hand Cream For a Week and My Life Was Literally Changed” which described the actual effects of the hand cream rather than regurgitating information e-mailed over in a press release would have been a better use of everyone’s time. Maybe I hate myself for writing this article about the article that emphatically praised the hand cream. Maybe we should all just give up.