January 3, 2013

It’s generally accepted psychology that if you want to discourage people from doing a thing, you should make that thing seem as lame and gross as possible. Want to stop fat people from eating Taco Bell? Just show them the sacks of processed beef before they’re warmed into dollop-sized portions; I saw one in the back of a T-Bell kitchen and it literally made me swear off eating there for the rest of my life. (Or until I’m drunk and restless, but I’ll give it time.) Want to stop high school kids from smoking weed? Just show them a video of honest to God college freshman sitting around a fireplace and talking about how amazing My Bloody Valentine is for six hours and how they’re totally finding themselves at university, and they’ll never want to touch the stuff.

But the U.S. Army seems to have not gotten the memo, because this public service announcement they’ve released to discourage its soldiers from using bath salts actually makes the controversial pharmaceutical drug look like a hell of a trip. According to this P.S.A, bath salts will:

  1. Turn your girlfriend into a demon
  2. Turn your best bro into a demon
  3. Your vomit will get way more manageable, forming a solid, easily directed stream instead of a splattery mess
  4. Render all sounds into generic dubstep, chaining you to a slavish existence of perpetually expecting the drop
  5. Force you to punch your way out of every situation
  6. Not make bowling any more fun, thank God
  7. Doctors may also become demons (?)

It’s not great, but it’s not awful; I mean, certainly the type of experience any free-thinking psychopath would probably be into trying at least once, especially since it seems like the problem was that the soldier bro in the video snorts a line so big he can’t even finish it. (More rational proportions, dude.) The “fun” part of the video is followed by a lot of talking and serious fact-dropping, which works against the Navy’s point; after all, why not X out after the exciting stuff is over? Think about that metaphor.

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