Advice

How to Throw a Super Bowl Party For Clueless Dumbasses

Advice

How to Throw a Super Bowl Party For Clueless Dumbasses

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At long last the Super Bowl is finally here, and for the tens of millions of us around the country and elsewhere in the world where they definitely also care about it and watch it, that means one thing: party time! Considering that you’re presumably an adult human who manages to hold down a job and maintain a network of social relationships, one might safely presume by this point that you’ve figured out the complex algorithm behind having people over to your house to sit in front of the tv without getting anyone killed or burning the house down, but in order to maintain this fragile house of content cards that props up the business concerns of media companies everywhere, we’ll continue plowing ahead here with the premise of this blog post on the assumption that you’re a hapless dolt for whom every experience is akin to the first mewling steps of afterbirth-sodden gosling, and condescend to you with a series of over-obvious and idiotically intuitive items couched in the guise of advice.

Invites
Once you’ve made the decision to host the Big Game at your house or apartment, the most important step is to invite people to come over and watch it with you. Some of the more popular options for people to invite include, but are not limited to, friends, family members, and work acquaintances. Secure their contact information well ahead of time, and communicate to them the time and location of your party. This can be done through some of the more popular social networking applications such as Facebook or also through email, or even with a printed invite, which brings a little personal touch most people seem to appreciate when asked according to studies.

TV
The first item you’re gonna want on your checklist for throwing a party for the Big Game is a television set. This ensures that, come game time, you and your guests will have access to the broadcast, thereby enabling you to see, and hear, the proceedings. The second part is almost as important as the first, both sight and sound being two of the more popular senses. Prior to your scheduled start time for guests arriving, give the speakers on your television a test to make sure sound comes out.

Clean up
Based on an impromptu survey of my friends, most responded that the key to an enjoyable party is when it takes place in a cleanly home, so consider cleaning up yours before having people over. Arranging for the pick up of trash before hand, such as through the service provided by the city, will ensure that there are fewer bags or piles of trash around by the time people get there. Some experts say no more than 1-2.5 bags of refuse (such as old chicken carcasses and used dental floss) should be in view of the party.

Chairs
Standing can be great, everyone knows that. But the majority of people, as studies have shown, when given the option between standing, laying on the floor like a pervert, or sitting in front of a television set at someone else’s home will go for the sitting option. Some items you might consider putting out for guests include chairs, couches, and stools. Save the sleeping bags and pillow tents for another party, such as New Year’s Eve, another popular night for parties.

Food
While most people are going to be concerned with the game, don’t forget that a football contest, and the Super Bowl in particular, can takes upwards of 4-5.5 hours, which is well beyond the window for which the average human can manage to go without consuming food. You don’t want anyone keeling over from hunger in the middle of the party right? Haha. Or worse: dying. No one wants that. (Not even Brenda, although knowing Brenda she’s liable to keel over right in front of the TV just to cause a scene). Whatever Brenda’s angle turns out to be this year, you might consider preparing, then presenting to your guests, a series of food dishes. One popular way to do this is to purchase items at the grocery store — there’s probably one located near your home — then follow a recipe, either one you’ve looked up, or have executed on a trial run before and are confident in your ability to replicate, and serve it with pride. Another option is to order food from a take out restaurant, such as a pizza store, or a chicken wings store. Pizza and chicken wings are two of the most popular items for serving, eating, and consuming at Big Game Super Bowl parties.

Drink
Anyone who’s hosted a party for the Big Game before will tell you a little something to drink makes the evening a lot more enjoyable for everyone involved, from the guests, to you, the host, who’s going to need one after all the preparing you’ve done! Some popular options for beverages include beer, which most of the men will be thankful for, due to beer being a popular drinking option for men to drink and enjoy, and also wine, for women, who like wine because it’s a woman related thing to drink. A third type of alcoholic liquid is hard alcoholic liquids, such as, but not limited to, whiskey. Other guests may demure, and prefer to drink juices, or other drinks with no alcohol such as sodas, which are widely available at most retail outlets, such as 7/11 or the chicken wing store. The faucet that comes standard with most homes should be capable of providing a stream of water, should guests prefer that.

Ice
How much ice do you think you need? What the fuck is wrong with you man? Seriously Double that ice order. Triple it, in fact. You have no idea how much ice these people need. Ice is a popular addition to most beverages due to its cooling properties. To be safe, set aside anywhere between 13-17.5 extra bags of ice out on the back porch just in case. No one wants to be caught with their dick in the ice bucket and their pants off, anyone who’s been there can tell you. Nothing brings a Big Game party to a halt quicker than getting caught fucking the ice bucket.

Decorations
Consider hanging football related banners and posters throughout your home, that way people know what game they’re watching. Which one? Football.

Conversation
You may think you’ve done all the work necessary by this point, but hosting a party isn’t easy, or else literally anyone could figure out how to do it without consulting a blog post. In between serving food and drink (see above for types), and folding and unfolding a series of chairs, and constantly fiddling with the volume and picture on the TV, you’ll want to engage your guests in polite conversation. Some topics to broach include the game, vis a vis who might win, or for the less sports-savvy of the bunch (ladies and women), which of the players are cuter via whom they’d want to be impregnated by. Other topics of interest for many people, as studies have shown, include socialized medicine and whether or not black people commit a disproportionate percentage of crimes given their representation in the population numbers.

Call it a night
All things must pass, and, given that we’re all going to die some day, this is a good reminder and a test run for the inevitable trip into the great abyss. The moment the final bell of the game sounds, politely, but firmly, point your guests to the door. Your job here is done. Did everyone have fun? Knowing them, probably not, you can’t please anyone these days, such as Brenda. But the important thing is you did the party, as it said to in the blog post, and you will always have that, no matter what anyone says.

@lukeoneil47