Film & TV

There’s a Warrant Out for Cuba Gooding Jr.’s Arrest

Film & TV

There’s a Warrant Out for Cuba Gooding Jr.’s Arrest

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Apparently determined to answer once and for all whether or not he couldn’t, in fact, “get arrested in this town,”—pause for polite laughter—one time A-list actor Cuba Gooding Jr. is in hot water for allegedly shoving a female bartender early this morning in L.A., and a warrant has been issued for his arrest. Unfortunately for the Oscar winner, that’s New Orleans, LA. *adjusts neck tie, stares vacantly into the camera for a second too long*

TMZ has the details, and a curious understanding of how paragraphs are supposed to work:

A witness at the bar tells us … the “Jerry Maguire” actor became upset with some bar patrons who recognized him and had been taking pictures.

We’re told Cuba began cussing at the people … so a female bartender approached the actor and asked him to leave.

But the witness says Cuba didn’t go quietly … and shoved the bartender against a wall.

Someone called 911… but no arrests were made at the scene.

Now, cops are under orders to arrest Cuba on sight.

“We would if we could remember what he even looks like,” the New Orleans police chief said in a statement that you’ll hear later tonight on Leno’s monologue.

“When Gooding went into The Old Absinthe House on Bourbon Street, he was hoping to get served,” a rep for the actor told us exclusively, “But not with a warrant.” *falls into bottomless pit, screaming in horror for a full hour before dying of fear*

“Show me the money,” said your one friend for months straight in 1996, who’d later go on to do Entourage and Borat bits long past their expiration date.

Hire Luke O’Neil to write awesome jokes for your talk show.