December 19, 2012

If you’re not familiar the particular charms of Courtney Stodden, allow us to introduce you. Until now, Mrs. Stodden was best known for her controversial marriage to character actor Doug Hutchinson (she was 16, him 51). Weirdo talkshow appearances followed, the reality TV bloodhounds came sniffing, and even PETA has used Stodden’s services to promote their cause. But all this time, while blogs made their fun and paparazzi snapped their pictures, Stodden had a life’s worth of knowledge to share, something you’d know if you followed her always inspiring Twitter account. After high demand from our readers, we asked Stodden to share some of that wisdom, and help us answer some of life’s most confounding conundrums.

Dear Courtney, what happens when we die?
We’ll all move into the afterlife, whether that’s Heaven (cotton-candy clouds, giant pink puffballs, Starbucks coffee waterfalls, and Hello Kitty angels) or Hell (there are no eight-inch Lucite heels, you’re forced to eat hamburgers, you have to exercise every day, there’s no bathing allowed, and you cannot make love—or anything else).

Dear Courtney, what should I wear to my high school reunion?
Nothing. Actually, wear whatever you want. You’ll shine brightest if you feel comfortable.

Dear Courtney, my husband is also 30-some years my senior and he has difficulty “performing” in the bedroom. What can I do to spice up our sex life?
Print out a picture of me and give it to him. That should do the trick nicely. Or you could try turning on some sexy slow jams, dimming the lights, and pouring melted chocolate all over his elderly body.

Dear Courtney, boxers or briefs?
I’ll take one man in each, please. The boxers are a little more breezy, while the briefs are nice and tight—what an awesome combo!

Dear Courtney, how do I deal with the haters?
Don’t pay them any attention and just be you. I personally deal with haters on a daily basis and I have to find my inner strength to continue staying true to who I am and to my beliefs, because if I don’t, I allow them in. Haters are our motivators!

Dear Courtney, I can’t give up my childhood teddy and my friends are starting to get concerned. Am I, at 45, too old for Sir Huggingtons?
Of course not. Besides, I think middle- agers look cute hugging a teddy in bed! My bed is filled with Hello Kitty dolls, my purple childhood bear Puffy, my hubby’s stuffed zebra Manhattan, and our Barbies. Never let go of the little kiddie within you.

Dear Courtney, I keep losing socks in the dryer. I’m down to my last pair. What do you think I should do?
Don’t wash your socks. I never do my own laundry because of this same problem.

Dear Courtney, I have developed a massive crush on my piano tuner. How do I take this relationship to the next level?
Show him your fingers. If that doesn’t work, tell him that you’d like to make “sweet music” together.

Dear Courtney, I had a dream that I was falling and, when I woke up, I had eaten all the cheese in my fridge. What do you think that means?
It means you’re not a vegan—unless it’s vegan friendly? When I was a littler girl, I kept having this dream that my house was enchanted and that every room was filled with sparkles and flying pigs. Can you tell me what that means?

Dear Courtney, what should I be reincarnated as?
A pink unicorn with wings.

Dear Courtney, do you think it’s possible that I have a secret twin roaming the earth? If so, how should I go about finding him?
I’d troll Facebook until I found my clone.

Dear Courtney, what do aliens look like?
Me.

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