Last month we turned internet/hip-hop curiosity Riff Raff into the rap game Ann Landers, when he graciously reached out to some troubled readers and answered their advice questions. (Question: Am I a psychopath? Answer: No.) Since then, mega-producer Diplo officially signed the Houston rapper to his Mad Decent record label, and Riff Raff has been busy morphing his viral success into legitimate music stardom (whatever that means.) But he hasn’t been too busy to help out more of Bullett’s readers sort things out like: What toppings should I get on my pizza? How do I make Emma Stone fall in love with me? How do I express myself through fashion? The answers to those questions and more, below.
Dear Riff Raff, I’m thinking about ordering a pizza. What toppings should I get?
Anchovies & GriLLed Egg Plant & Artichoke Hearts
Dear Riff Raff, I have like ten million frequent flyer miles. Which city should I visit and which bar should I hit up when I get there?
Give me 5,000,000 flyer miles and I will tell you this secret private super sweet vacation exclusive Julius Ceasar Hideaway.
Dear Riff Raff, I’m planning my best friend’s bachelor party. Can you plan it for me? We live in L.A.
Yea email my manager firstname.lastname@example.org and I will organize the whole party, start to finish.
Dear Riff Raff, There’s a boy at school who always makes fun of me because I can’t afford good clothes. He says I dress like a guidance counselor. How do I hurt his feelings back? (He’s beautiful, by the way.)
I assume you are a girl, and unfortunately I would have to see a picture of him to build you a revenge package. But when people talk bad about you in school it’s tough to escape becuz u are forced to be around those idiots all day. If you are really alone and don’t have anyone to have your back then tell those dumbass teachers to do their job and keep those haters up off you. I’m sorry that you are in that position, though. Maybe he likes you or something idk.
Dear Riff Raff, If I’m in love with a famous actress (Her name starts with an E, and ends with a ‘mma Stone’), do you think I have a chance with her?
Pull up to her house with a boombox. Stand outside her window and play “When You Come Undone” by Duran Duran at Full Blast Volumes!!! When the police come, then she will come outside as they are apprehending u. If she stops them then u will know if she likes you. If she lets them unleash furious left hand jabs to your upper and mid torso regions while she laughs, then you probably don’t have a chance. But come back every week until she gives in.
Dear Riff Raff, What’s the best way to tell my girl her feet smell?
Spray Febreeze air freshener and make an ugly face everytime she walks in the room. Even when her parents are there. Then tell her dad that she has been sticking her feet inside cow ass for the last 7 years.
Dear Riff Raff, How do I express myself through fashion?
Do whatever u want. Your life is your choices.
Dear Riff Raff, My doctor prescribed my some pills for my anxiety, but now I see sound and smell color. Is this a pathway to making great art?
Ummm…. What’s your doctor’s name & number ?
Dear Riff Raff, What’s the sickest thing to do on a boiling hot day?
Stand on top of your roof and piss down the shingles onto you mom’s tits. That’s pretty sick. U fuckin sicko. This interview is OVER !!!
Photography by Chelsey Croucher