Awe-inspiring in its pursuit of singleminded obsolescence, this Pigeons and Planes slideshow listicle 10 Obnoxious Things Hipsters Say About Music is so bad I almost respect it. It’s not easy constructing a fallacy of a premise on top of a cliché of a foundation and then actually following through with the legwork of hefting the shoddy structure up, just sentence after sentence of corrupted, soulless nothingness. This type of dedication to saying literally not one new thing that hasn’t already been said thousands of times on this very subject in thousands of other posts makes me think there has to be some other devious design at work here.
Here are the worst parts of this shameful anchor of taste, humor, and execution, in no particular order:
We listen to so much music, and think about it so much of the time that we can’t help but having strong views.
For the hipster, however, music is just another weapon in the constant war to seem cool.
Being ahead of the curve always feels good, but when it’s turned into a point of arrogance, it just gets absurd.
Ahh fuck it, just gonna repost this whole page of content. Emphasis mine.
“I like the [insert unknown producer here] remix better.”
Remixes can be compelling, interesting takes on a well-known track. Often, a producer with a totally different background or set of sonic touchstones can make a song feel brand new, or can even make it better than the original. But constantly insisting that you like the unknown producer’s remix version of a song is just another way of trying to keep your music taste isolated from the rest of the world. News flash: it’s the digital era, that’s not really going to be possible anymore. Plus it sells the beauty of the original song short to keep pretending that a remix by an unknown producer is always better—odds are, it isn’t.
Just a reminder here, kind of, before we get really going, that none of these things have ever happened to a single human being in the actual world.
If you don’t happen to know, in detail, every band member’s musical endeavours, the hipster will act as if you’re not a true fan. Even worse, they’ll often say that the little-known side project is better than the main band, even though this is very rarely the case.
Hold on, I don’t know if I can choose just one from this paragraph of words, a word paragraph you’d call it, I guess, either.
“Their single is the worst song on the album.”
There’s something about the knowledge that other people listen to the same band as them that really irks hipsters. So of course the single, usually chosen for having the widest appeal, immediately becomes the worst song on the album, almost by default. The mysterious mind of the hipster equates popularity with all the bad things in hipsterdom, but clearly the disdain that they have for singles makes no sense economically or practically. It’s usually the song that the band themselves thinks is the best, and there’s definitely nothing wrong with the entire country hearing a good song, even if they don’t make it all the way through the deep cuts.
I think we can all, in fact, agree that there is nothing wrong with the entire country hearing a good song.
In an attempt to outdo each other, and prove that they truly appreciate how groundbreaking such and such a record was, the hipsters get more and more hyperbolic about more obscure records, until someone is telling you that an acid jazz white label sold only in one record store in Wichita was the most important album of the decade. Get real, and stop trying to impress everyone with outrageous exaggeration.
Again, this has never, ever once happened.
They’re sly little devils, those hipsters.
Just because a record was released before a band got famous, it isn’t their necessarily their best work.
In fact, in a lot of cases, as a band gains experience, hones their craft, works with better producers, and generally matures, their music (somewhat unsurprisingly) improves.
Music writers, too.