December 17, 2012

Because there aren’t already enough industries bamboozling women during one of the most stressful times of their lives into spending money on more useless shit they don’t need to impress people who ultimately don’t care on a day that’s literally supposed to be about you and one other person, the New York Times had a report recently on the new trend of brides covering up tattoos on the day of their nuptials. “Many Brides Choosing to Hide Their Tattoos” the piece announces, (which, just so we’re clear, everyone knows that when a newspaper trend piece uses the phrasing “many people are __ ” that means “the three we tracked down in time for deadline”, right?).

Here’s something most brides of yesteryear didn’t have to grapple with: unfortunate body art. Tattoos are ubiquitous among people currently of marrying age, with almost 40 percent of Millennials and a third of Gen Xers claiming at least one, according to a 2010 Pew Research Center report. Equally de rigueur are skin-baring gowns. Plenty of brides flaunt their ink, but some, for reasons of aesthetics, religion or family harmony, find the look at odds with their wedding-day image.

Many of those people are the ones with horrible, selfish parents. (Not to mention horrible tattoos. The Geico Gecco? Yeeesh). Like this poor girl who had her tattoo covered up to assuage the neuroses of her crappy mother. “The image stayed hidden all the way through a post-wedding gathering the following day, much to the bride’s relief. ‘My mother had warned me that if some of the makeup came off at any point, she would leave,’ she said.”

If my mother ever said something like that I would have kindly invited her to leave. Not everyone else is such a devil-may-care badass, sadly. The good news is, there are all sorts of options for women being offered yet another reason to feel ashamed of their appearances:

For these women, a number of cosmetics provide temporary coverage, from do-it-yourself industrial-strength concealer to professionally applied airbrush formulations. Brides and bridesmaids have become a target for these products, which promise to fake virgin skin without smudging.

As everyone knows, tattoos are an automatic wave through into your personal space and a beacon to strangers to engage with you in conversation. Ladies, your body is ours, don’t forget, especially so on the day you’re promising to give it someone else for the rest of your life. Also your crappy mother’s.

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