Thanksgiving is a stressful time, filled with all sorts of unavoidable conflicts with family and life-threatening adventures, if your holidays are anything like mine! With that in mind, I’ve come up with a quick list of things you can do to help survive Thanksgiving. It could be the last thing you ever read.
1. No arguing about politics with dad or crocodiles.
2. Organize crafts and activities to keep the children distracted from going feral and turning against you.
3. Assign everyone in the family a little task so they feel involved and appreciated, such as sweeping the perimeter for snipers.
4. No matter how much mom insists, pass up that second helping of her traditional poison dart frog stuffing.
5. Don’t sweat the small stuff! Make sure to sweat some of the stuff, however, as an inability to regulate the body’s internal temperature can lead to fatal anhidrosis.
6. Skip dad’s invitation to toss the old pigskin around out back near the centipede moat.
7. Avoid local soup kitchens as poor people who didn’t work as hard as you did all year congregate there and they want your stuff.
8. Don’t look Thanksgiving in the eye or make any sudden movements if it spots you. It’s likely it will consider this a sign of aggression or confuse you for prey.
9. Keep interactions with the in-laws short and civil, i.e. “Sure is a nice place you’ve got here. Be a real shame if anything were to happen to it, unfortunate-like.” That way everyone knows where they stand right up front.
10. Know your limits early and stick to them. If your previous max is 450 lbs on the squat rack, don’t try to impress everyone by going for a personal best just because it’s a holiday.
11. Don’t surprise everyone by crawling down the chimney with an uncooked turkey on your head shouting “I’m the ghost of a mutant turkey-man and I’m here to get revenge for all of the sins of Thanksgiving past!” because that will likely startle them.
12. Make friends with newcomers to the gathering this year, such as new boyfriends of cousins, especially if they look strong, (i.e. have a more impressive squat max than you.)
13. Be flexible. That way if you need to do any cool parkour moves to evade the dirt-people who live in the basement you won’t be sore later.
14. Anticipate potential problem areas ahead of time, such as religion, or finances, or your sister’s love handles, and then point them out brutally as soon as you arrive, which should stop the old bitch in her tracks for a while won’t it?
15. Don’t gather round the family Toshiba trying to sign up for Obamacare! Haha, that’s the sort of light topical humor the whole family will appreciate. You’ll all be sent off to the death panels in no time if that guy has his way!
16. Remember that if your grandmother tells you you need to eat and that “You look like you’re wasting away, all skin and bones,” she’s getting ready for a pretty involved spell that will result in transferring her consciousness into your young supple flesh. The safest move here is to pretend you are listening to what she has to say, then just walk out of the room like you normally would when old people talk before she has a chance to finish.