As a female, I often have difficulty translating all the funny little strings of black squigglies (I think they mean something!) I see on the internet, but thankfully a picture is worth 1000 words in case a boyfriend or uncle isn’t around to read aloud to me. Due to being overwhelmed by near-constant updates regarding Edward Snowden’s NSA leak and his recent attempt to leave Moscow, I hope y’all don’t mind if I focus on the fun side of things 😀 Because your info isn’t hot until you are, too!
Unlike gripping, spot-on news stories about Hillary’s scrunchie or Wendy Davis’ sneakers, the real Snowden lede keeps getting buried beneath pages and pages of these boring-ass “words.” Look at his cheekbones! How would he look with an “emo” haircut? Every night I turn off CNN utterly disgusted that no correspondent has yet been assigned to analyze these pressing matters. As such, we have assembled this list of Snowden-inspired fashion tips, for the stylin’ would-be whistleblower in you.
Get “chic” before you leak:
You never know when you could be stuck at a Moscow airport terminal for weeks at a time, so plan your outfits ahead lest you be seen in the same thing twice. Now that would be scandalous!
Think for your #selfie:
Soon, your face is going to be blown up online and all over the pages of international newspapers. It’s important to make sure your most recent photos, be it on facebook or Instagram, express the real you. Don’t let some poorly chosen portrait ruin your dreams of changing the system! Will you go for the “normal guy with a heart of gold that took one historic gamble”? Or the disheveled, hapless renegade?
Plan your merch (where were you on THIS one, Wikileaks?):
How are we supposed to follow in Snowden’s ideological footsteps without sporting an OFFICIAL matching brown button-down and minimalist glasses? When it comes to taking on the world, even weeks of facebook status updates can’t compete with the effectiveness of a confidence-boosting uniform change.
Invest in a good haircut:
Snowden not only made the mistake of choosing Supercuts, but he also posed in front of a mirror for one the most famous pictures available of him, so the back is visible too. Ouch. I’m sure he’s regretting the shit out of that one right now.
A little concealer never hurts:
Even with a filter, too little sleep and bad lighting can ruin everything! Seriously, even for guys; a little under the eyes and around the sides of the nose helps to even tone and correct redness.
Just face it: much like yourself, looking cute is never gonna be free!