May 15, 2013

This can’t possibly be true, but here we go: Researchers at the University of Nebraska have authored a paper called The Impact of Marijuana Use on Glucose, Insulin, and Insulin Resistance among US Adults,” which claims—wait for it—that smoking weed makes you skinnier, not fatter, which seems patently false to anyone who’s ever fallen into a combination kush & Cheeto coma. Polling amongst a national sample of over 4,600 adults, the surveyors found that small waists, higher “good cholesterol,” and lower insulin levels were reported amongst the 12% of whom self-identified as active pot users. (It didn’t matter how much they smoked, either, just that they did it regularly.)

As The Atlantic points out, one of the implications is that smoking weed might help the body regulate its blood sugar, which, ha ha ha, really? Isn’t eating a lot of sugar supposed to throw your system all out of wack, and haven’t you ever tasted a Twinkie on weed? It’s like biting into the sun. But perhaps those pot smokers eventually learn to regulate their own diets out of the self-awareness that the more garbage they continue to consume while whacked out, the fatter they’re getting—so that Skittles are replaced with gluten-free granola, Haagen-Dazs is replaced with lemon sorbet, soda is replaced with tea and so forth. Because nothing is scarier than looking at the nutritional value of a Honey Bun when you’re already worried you’re on the verge of having a heart attack, is there? Anyways, toke away; you’ll probably get fat as hell if you don’t, according to science.

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