Sex With Stoya: The Jerk


Sex With Stoya: The Jerk


Artwork: Nikki Pecasso

Welcome to Sex With Stoya, the advice column in which you get the v rare opportunity to ask actress, writer, oh and adult film superstar, Stoya, your deepest, darkest, most ‘I can’t believe I’m even admitting this’ questions about love and sex. No topic is too personal, vulgar or embarrassing, but do know that our girl is going to hit you with some goddamn truth. This is definitely no Dear Abby.


Sometimes I like it when my girlfriend climbs on top of me—we’re usually both naked in this scenario, post-orgasm, well, for her. Anyway, I ask her to lie on top of me and jerk me off. The way she’s positioned makes it look like my dick belongs to her—I think I get off on that. It’s usually over pretty quick, which I usually find tricky. What do you think the deal is here? 

I mean, I’ve gotten off to trans stuff before but it’s not my whole jam—kind of embarrassing for a reason I’m not sure of. Would you shed some uncomfortable light on my seemingly odd kink? And would my girlfriend keep doing it if she knew the real reason? Why are things so complicated? Christ. 

Regardless of what specific you’re getting off on, you’ve found a sexual behavior that you’re strongly affected by and that’s kind of wonderful. The range of adult human sexual tastes is huge. As anyone who has received a request for a custom porn video can attest, fantasies can be intricately detailed.

Things are complicated because humans are complicated, and our sexuality is no exception.

Whether you’re aroused by the idea of your girlfriend having a penis, your girlfriend taking your dick, or the two of you sharing your cock, you are almost certainly not the only person to feel that way.

I’m assuming that by “stuff” you mean “porn.” The embarrassment you mention might be due to internalized stigmas or myths about masculinity, or it might come from objectification or fetishization within the material itself. Consider checking out or Tobi Hill-Meyer’s work for ethically made work featuring trans performers.

Way back in 1997, Fiona Giles put together an anthology called Dick for a Day. Some of the contributions are jovial, or dryly political, but many are erotic. Nicholson Baker’s erotic novel House of Holes includes a number of genital transplants between characters.

You can’t know how your girlfriend will react—or even feel—until you talk with her about it.

You might give your girlfriend some of the media I’ve mentioned as a way to broach the general idea of playing with gender. You also might consider reading or viewing the media yourself with an eye towards your own sexuality further.

Send your questions to and read more from Stoya, here.