Artwork: Sophie Rose Brampton
Welcome to Sex With Stoya, the advice column in which you get the v rare opportunity to ask actress, writer, oh and adult film superstar, Stoya, your deepest, darkest, most ‘I can’t believe I’m even admitting this’ questions about love and sex. No topic is too personal, vulgar or embarrassing, but do know that our girl is going to hit you with some goddamn truth. This is definitely no Dear Abby.
It’s been 9 months since my breakup. I was with her for 2 years—thought I was gonna marry this girl. I started seeing a therapist mid-way through. She knew and actually suggested it. Towards the end of the relationship, she even started coming to my appointments. I thought things were going well. I’m sure you can guess, but she dumped me and even though I haven’t spoken to her since, I have heard that she’s seeing a friend that was mutual. Anyway, it’s less about her and more about the future. I’m still seeing the therapist and have added a psychiatrist and meds. Recently, I’ve been falling for this girl and am curious about letting her know about the above—is it appropriate to let someone know you’re on anxiety and depression meds early on? Should I hold it from her and wait? As I may not see a complete future with her (wife, kids, dogs, etc.), I’m exploring the ‘dating for fun’ side of things. With this mind set, should I even bother telling her? If we do spend the night together, do I hide it? Do I even care what she thinks? Should I care what the future thinks? If you dated someone like this what would be your thoughts?
Congratulations on working on yourself, and especially way to go for continuing to see your therapist after the break up.
When you’re thinking about whether to disclose the medication you’re on or not, try to remember that lots of people take medication for psychiatric reasons, and also for physical reasons like arthritis or diabetes—even young people.
If you’re sleeping over before you’ve discussed your use of pharmaceuticals, you can stick your pill bottle in an opaque toiletries bag with your toothbrush and take the whole thing into the bathroom with you.
You’re dealing with anxiety, so it makes sense that you’re anxious about the whole situation. This is something you should talk through with your therapist. They’ll be able to provide psychoeducation, and understanding how your brain works is pretty integral to being able to explain it to your date easily.
There’s no ‘should’ here. The choices are all yours. You have a right to privacy if you want it. If you prefer to be open you’ll be helping to de-stigmatize mental health, but that isn’t a responsibility you have to take on.
I might be way off here, but I have this gut impression that you’re feeling a little flawed. We’re all a little flawed. Some of us have professional diagnoses that describe our personal challenges, others sort it out themselves, and some ignore their own growth. You’re taking action, and that’s an achievement.
You’re more than your meds. It’s natural to care about what someone you like thinks of you, but if they reject you over something that helps you take care of yourself, you’re better off without them.