Artwork: Sophie Rose Brampton
Welcome to Sex With Stoya, the advice column in which you get the v rare opportunity to ask actress, writer, oh and adult film superstar, Stoya, your deepest, darkest, most ‘I can’t believe I’m even admitting this’ questions about love and sex. No topic is too personal, vulgar or embarrassing, but do know that our girl is going to hit you with some goddamn truth. This is definitely no Dear Abby.
I am a straight guy and for some reason, I can’t get the idea about being “pegged” out of my mind. I don’t consider myself submissive, but it just turns me on so much to think about a sexy woman taking my ass that way. I watch the videos all the time and it seems so hot. So far, I have only done it to myself. And after the initial pain it does feel so damn good.
My question is: is this strange? And how do I bring this up to a woman?
Wanting to be anally penetrated isn’t strange, especially since you cis-male types usually have a nifty gland back there called the prostate. From what I’m told, the prostate feels good when manipulated properly, and the easiest way to access it is through the anus.
Fantasizing about being topped by someone in no way means you’re submissive, although you might be occasionally.
I’m curious as to why you mentioned your sexual orientation before anything else. We have these ideas circulating culturally that receptive-male anal means homosexual desires, and that all gay men get penetrated anally. Neither are true.
Sometimes separating the individual pieces helps to sort through them. Think of them as spectrums in an asterisk formation: Hetero—Homo (otherwise known as the Kinsey Scale) Dominant—Submissive, Top—Bottom, etc.
It’s just as silly to say a person’s position on one of these spectrums means anything about their position on another as it would be to think heterosexuality means you’re sexually attracted to every single woman.
Being able to directly state your desires is ideal, but if you’re not comfortable with that—or think your partner(s) won’t be—you might want to ease into the conversation. Your best starting point depends entirely on the person and what kind of rapport you already have with them.
One suggestion is to give them an erotic novel that includes a hot pegging scene. Of course, if they bring up their vibrator on the first date you should probably just blurt it out.
Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org and read more from Stoya, here.