Science: Want to Be Happy? Drink More Beer, Semen


Science: Want to Be Happy? Drink More Beer, Semen


Big advances in bro science this week. First up, Carolyn Hsu, a sociologist at Colgate University in New York, presented a study at the American Sociological Association that seems to suggest that, and I hope you’re sitting down when reading this, preferably with a cold one in hand, that college students who drink more report being happier than those who don’t. It may not be that they actually want to drink, Hsu says, but rather feel compelled to to fit in with their social circle.

“One thing that was a recurrent comment were students who said, ‘Everyone drinks here. … I don’t want to get drunk, but I feel like I don’t belong here if I don’t.’ … Then the next person would write, ‘I don’t really want to drink, but this is what everyone else does.’ And the next person would write, ‘You know, I don’t mind drinking a little, but I don’t want to get smashed, but everyone does that,'” Hsu said.

“I look at this and I think, ‘Why don’t you guys just have a party without drinking? None of you want to be doing this!'” Hsu added, via Fox News,

Not that she’s advocating mandatory keggers. Binge drinking still leads to all manner of problems, like sexual assault and academic troubles.

One glimmer of hope, Hsu said, was that students in religious organizations who did not binge drink were more socially satisfied than other low-status non-bingers.

Those smug pricks are generally pretty self-satisfied anyway, so not sure that’s a revelation there. On the other hand, there’s this study out of SUNY Albany, speaking of pricks. They “have authored a study which claims that certain chemicals found in semen can have a positive effect on the physical and mental health of women who frequently engage in unprotected sex.”

Semen is known to contain such “mood-altering chemicals” as estrone and oxytocin, which elevate mood; cortisol, which promotes affection; serotonin, which acts as an antidepressant; and melatonin, which induces sleep.

Using data obtained from an anonymous survey of 293 females on campus, Gordon Gallup and Rebecca Burch, working alongside University of Liverpool psychologist Steven Platek, were able to determine that women who engage in oral sex or have unprotected sex on a regular basis were happier than those who practiced safe sexGawker

Surprisingly, women who reported always using condoms while having regular sex weren’t happier than those who refrained from condom use, which anyone could have told you, because those things make everyone miserable.

No word in either report, it seems, about whether or not it’s beneficial, mood-wise, to sit alone in your room on Friday nights avoiding parties and listening to Elliott Smith records, not having sex all over the place, and hoping everyone will notice how sad and different you are. If anyone wants to conduct a study on how that works, I could probably provide some invaluable data.

“It’s important to keep in mind,” Dr. Luke O’Neil, PhD Bullett University, pointed out after reading through the data here, “that none of this should be taken too seriously, because Sociology is fake.”

Follow Luke O’Neil on Twitter.