January 2, 2013

Good news fatties, because science just ordered another plate of chicken wings for the table. A new study published yesterday in the Journal of the American Medical Association analyzed data from 97 studies on 3 million people in countries throughout the world, and found that being overweight, even slightly obese, made the subjects live longer than their more fuckable counterparts. In so many words, anyway. Keep in mind I’m not a doctor, or even really a reputable source of medical information, so it’s important to take these things with a grain of salt, particularly coming in the form of a big bag of Cheezits, because those things are magic live forever fuel it turns out.

Study lead author Katherine M. Flegal, an epidemiologist with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said she and her colleagues could not say what lay behind the apparent survival edge for overweight people. But she noted that it had been observed before in other studies.

Maybe it’s because skinny people are too busy smoking cigarettes and not eating giant plates of donuts, you might be thinking. No, it’s not that.

Flegal added that smoking — which raises the risk of early death but also tends to keep people thinner — doesn’t appear to be the explanation, since that factor was carefully controlled for in the analysis. LAT

So what’s the deal here then? It could be, researchers propose, that people who are overweight get more attention in terms of blood pressure and cholesterol medication from their doctors — the old squeaky, fat wheel gets the grease corollary –  or it could be, and this is something someone really said, that fat people have more protection for their bones, so when they fall they are less likely to break them and develop complications from osteoporosis. That’s known as “more the cushion better the pushin” exception in medical circles.

It could also be that BMI, the body mass index used to determine relative obesity doesn’t determine for musculature, so it’s hard to say whether or not someone with an above average BMI is carrying that mass in their love handles or in their sick, shredded lats.

As for how this information should change how we live our lives? It shouldn’t, because dying young and leaving a skinny corpse is still the most important goal in life.

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