Culture

Scandal! Obamas Almost Divorced Over Coke-Dealing Past, Or Something?

Culture

Scandal! Obamas Almost Divorced Over Coke-Dealing Past, Or Something?

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Two big scandals are set to rock the Obama campaign to its very foundation, idiots are reporting. First up is the charge from an alleged old friend of the president who claims that he sold cocaine in college, RadarOnline says.

The operatives tried to spread the story through the media and the Romney campaign, a source close to the situation told Radar.

“At first he wanted to do a book,” a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com about the alleged college pal. “But there just wasn’t enough time before the election.

“The people he is involved with have produced other credible information that is damaging to national Democratic figures in the past few years.”

Operatives close to the Romney campaign were contacted and rejected the information, the source told Radar.

“They didn’t want anything to do with it,” the source said. “They thought it was not anything they wanted to be associated with or anything their candidate would want to be associated with.”

Because everyone knows Obama’s shit is baby laxative, a Romney aid said, twitching and scanning the room nervously.

Maybe there’s something to this Obama selling coke thing though? At the beginning of his term I was super amped to get things done and thought everything was hopeful and beautiful, but now I just feel like nothing matters and I’m scanning Facebook desperately for friends in other time zones to talk to.

Even worse than being a drug dealer? Getting divorced, answered a majority nation of divorcees. Apparently there are rumors of divorce papers filed by Michelle Obama, The Daily Mail, via Gawker, reports. Guess who’s got the scoop? The human equivalent of a thrice-gummed empty coke bag, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is to claim that he has unearthed divorce papers of Michelle Obama and the President, according to a respected financial pundit with links to the tycoon.

It is alleged that the eccentric real estate mogul will claim that the documents show the First Lady and the President were at one point in their two decades of marriage seriously considering splitting up.

Trump set the hare running on Monday by claiming that he was set to make an announcement on Wednesday that would be ‘bordering on gigantic’ and that it would ‘possibly’ change the Presidential race.

It possibly will. In fact it will likely push sentimental ninnies, aka the majority of the electorate, to sympathize with the president and his wife in their moment of weakness. Seems likely to me that this Obama “almost divorced” scandal rumor is going to backfire on Romney, the guy who will be remembered one day as “almost the president.”

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