News

Republicans Use Tits, Troops, Aryans, Bible Passages and Octopus to Wish You Merry Christmas

News

Republicans Use Tits, Troops, Aryans, Bible Passages and Octopus to Wish You Merry Christmas

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Merry Christmas, blogosphere! Right about now, I’m guessing the adrenaline rush of receiving pointless semi-robotic gifts from Brookstone has worn off, and you’re left with resentment towards your in-laws and other family members you only pretend to tolerate. The post-Christmas hangover is in full swing, and your natural inclination involves retreating to your respective corner to be alone as you apathetically look upon your new collection of possessions with a newfound sense of disdain. I hope that new iPad2 you didn’t really need makes our website look extra chic!

It goes without saying that Christmas is enjoyable in doses, but for the most part is pretty ridiculous and offensive… much like the Republican party. So when you combine Christmas and the GOP’s presence on social media, you get some of the gems curated below. For some reason, these have yet to go viral. Enjoy! The 114th Congress sure looks to be an exciting time for Americans, especially if you like the Bible and octopus.

Merry Christmas from the Romney Clan
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Making a brief appearance from Lake Winnipesauke exile, Mitt Romney spreads the Christmas spirit with a hoard of his identical-looking Aryan grandchildren (minus that one interracial baby that Mittens holds like it’s his own). With the exception of the two boys furthest on the left, and the girl in the middle who might as well be a character straight out of Children of the Corn, most of these kids’ facial expressions resemble jocks at elite New England boarding schools, which makes sense given their ties to political dynasty. I’m really not sure what else I’m allowed to say considering this is a photo largely comprised of children (the last time I checked, some Washington staffer just got fired for calling out Obama’s bratty daughters on Facebook), but I’ll assume I’m in the clear because I’m making fun of a (hopefully) now irrelevant Republican family representing aristocracy. Ain’t media bias grand like the ole Republican party itself?

 

John Boehner: “Thanks be unto God for his indescribable gifts.”–2 Corinthians 9:15. 

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Looking as fat and jolly as ever, the Speaker of the House takes time out of his busy schedule of enabling partisan gridlock to pose with his wife in front of a Christmas tree filled with ornaments of fat white carolers and sickly old people–the only constituent base Boehner seems to retain. In this Christmas greeting, it looks like the orange Grinch of Capitol Hill is discreetly whistling a holiday tune between his lips, while trying to decide whether or not he’s constipated. In all seriousness, who even likes this guy and how has he managed to continue getting elected year-after-year? (EDITOR’S NOTE: Mr. Richardson’s opinion’s are his own. Boenher is our fave GOP because he’s a boozer who throws the best parties at the RNC.)  On Facebook, this Christmas greeting was predictably met with outrage, most of which came from Republican voters:
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A special Merry Christmas from Sarah Palin’s tits to our brave men and women in uniform–especially those serving us far from home.


In this bizarre video segment, Sarah Palin takes another never-ending masturbatory book-tour around America to pay tribute to military veterans and soldiers returning home from Iraq or Afghanistan and talk about her friend Juanita’s pies. Editor’s note: we are pointing out how ridiculous it is that Sarah Palin inserts herself into everything (literally creating a video just to pat herself on the back for showing support for the military) and are in no way trivializing the service of our brave men and women in uniform. (EDITOR’S NOTE: That was Mr. Richardson’s editor’s note, not ours, though we do agree.)

Oh, at 2:20 Palin flashes some hot clevage!!!! Look:

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#ChristmasEve #MerryChristmas from Judge Jeanine Piro

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Everything about this is absurd, from the octopus tentacles to the simplistic use of hashtags. Here, Fox New’s trolliest pundit to date gets ready to chow down on some boiled octopus for Christmas eve, re-enforcing her status as a glorified bottom feeder. Ho. Ho.

 

Ben Carson’s Awkward Photobomb
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Nothing about this photo seems to fit. The outfits are all over the place (see: cheese-ball with the hideous green sweater, gray slacks, and orange-brown loafers) and the space is cluttered with all sorts of unnecessary distractions. The kicker is Ben Carson’s struggle to even get picked up by the camera; a metaphor, perhaps, for the former surgeon’s own difficulties in staying relevant with both his own political party and staff.

 

Texas Angels: Ted Cruz Uses Terrible Typeface to Pretend to be Godlike
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As we saw with our boy Boenher, Republicans love Biblical passages in Christmas greetings. Staying hip and channeling the true essence of the Holiday spirit, Ted Cruz poses in a garden with his wife and daughters, affecting a God-like aura coupled with staged Southern hospitality. His wife is angelic, in all due respect.

 

Steve Stockman Wishes His Not-Friend Ted Cruz a Happy Birthday
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I included this one even though it came out a few days ago and doesn’t necessarily relate to Christmas because the subtext is too damn funny. For those of you not familiar with Steve Stockman, he is a now-retiring Congressman from Texas known for controversial media ploys like walking out during Obama’s State of the Union Address and handing out campaign bumper stickers reading “If Babies Had Guns They Wouldn’t Be Aborted.” Stockman is also known for is finding ridiculous ways of associating himself with other Republican politicians who want nothing to do with him. In this instance, he re-posted a picture to Facebook of a rally led by Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin in hopes of having people believe they were friends. They are not. And what’s funnier is how Ted Cruz seems to be looking out of the corner of his eye at Stockman with concern and disdain.

Throwback: Ronald Reagan’s Holiday Cigarette Ad
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Holla at yer boi!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all y’all, good fucking night.

@davisoliverr