December 17, 2012

I haven’t moved in years, and there are a number of reasons for that. 1) I’m no longer interested in signing on for the job of staircase-climbing urban sherpa once a year strapping mattresses to my spine and risking life or limb to see what this thousand pound dresser looks like in a sunnier room across town 2) I don’t want to do the annual ‘fuck it let’s break up’ fight over what books and records I’m allowed to tow around with me from place to place, and 3) real estate agents are horrifying nightmare ghouls from the pits of a surreal cartoonish Hades. That last bit is what makes looking at this new Tumblr Real Estate Agent Headshots, which we will all chuckle at for the next few hours before immediately deleting it from our memories, so much fun.

Here are a few of the best.

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Yes it’s exactly what it looks like

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What’s it going to take for me to get you in my dungeon, er, I mean this apartment today?

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I’m not just the best damn real estate man in the eastern part of the county, I’m also an artist of the flesh

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Don’t let the fact that I live out of my truck on the beach fool you, I’ve got some great properties for you to look at

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Don’t forget to give me good feedback on LinkedIn

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This little fella right here will be the super, so if the toilet overflows or anything just stare into the mirror and say his name three times in a row and he’ll be right there to fix it.

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I don’t just call people on a landline phone to make deals, I also bash their fucking brains in with one if they don’t fucking pay me

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It’s not unnatural if they’ve already gone through puberty, why do you ask?

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I have a pretttyyy good feeling this is going to be the last apartment you ever need to move into

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