Culture

Quitting Masturbation Will Make You Hear Birds, Have Wild Plane Sex

Culture

Quitting Masturbation Will Make You Hear Birds, Have Wild Plane Sex

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The existence of NoFap, a sub-Reddit dedicated to men who are trying to tame their masturbation demon, has never been a secret to Internet dudes well-acquainted with the weirder, sadder side of the web. But it’s never a story until New York is on the scene, as an article from this week’s issue delves into the phenomena of men who believe that mediating their masturbatory habit will lead to myriad health and social benefits. For example, having sex on planes:

Take the example of 19-year-old Redditor Ojdidit123. After 70 days without masturbating, he wrote, he went from being a virgin to meeting a woman on his flight, getting a “raging boner,” and having sex with her in both the plane and an airport hotel. The confidence he got from that encounter, he said, not only helped him perform well at a job interview later, and secure a job at a hedge fund for the summer, but also enabled him to call a long-simmering crush and ask her out. “All that shit happened in the span of 48 hours,” he posted. “It was pretty fucking crazy.”

and gaining a greater sensitivity to nature:

Others recommend self-­improvement books or revel in a newfound sense of perspective (“I was able to notice birds chirping, which I haven’t done in years”), or engage in what can best be described as penis monologues (“Today I was sitting on the toilet and I looked down and I saw my penis and I kinda just stared at it, then I asked him ‘What is your purpose penis?’ To which he replied ‘I dunno lol’”).

Which seems like a reasonable thing to want—the ability to fuck on planes and become aware of birds, all without having to take any kind of prescribed pill or begin any kind of exercise regimen. All you have to do is not masturbate (dudes only, tho) and life’s rich tapestry will unfurl itself to you, blessedly free of stiffened cum stains. Think of it as one NY mag commenter does: “never miss a chance to fight the patriarchy…” though I can’t tell if that pro or anti-fap. It’s worth noting, however, that all the quoted doctors say this is full of shit and that masturbation is a healthy part of being alive. But hey, you never know.