People

Putin Gave Russian Officials the Douchiest Christmas Present Ever

People

Putin Gave Russian Officials the Douchiest Christmas Present Ever

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Vladimir Putin is an asshole, which is why he gifted a very special group of Russian officials the douchiest Christmas present in history: a 400-page book of his own personal wisdom entitled “Words that Change the World.”

Printed in glorious hardback, Putin’s unfathomably awful gift offers short, quippy musings, plucked from his speeches and interviews. What, you thought that he sat down and wrote the book himself? Heavens no! The tome was compiled by Set, a Russian youth political movement.

The editors of this paper nightmare told the Times they hope the lucky few who received an advance copy will use the book as “a manual for action, for understanding.”

So what are some of Putin’s “prophetic” quotes? Well, there’s this 1999 classic in reference to terrorists: “We will waste them in the outhouse” (terrifying as it literally reads like something Donald Trump could have said about Muslims, like, yesterday) and the life-altering admission “I drink kefir” (that’s a yogurt drink). Take note, world leaders: Kefir is vital to your success!

You can own your very own copy of Putin’s brilliant words for a cool $11 come January. Meanwhile, inspired by this great leader, I’m hard at work compiling my 400-page gift all y’all are going to receive come next Christmas.