First, it was squirrely, (formerly?) disgraced whiners Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner’s inexplicably triumphant return to the polls. Now comes the recent news that pervy San Diego Mayor and self-described “hugger” Bob Filner, who is currently both defending himself against and admitting to the sexual harrassment allegations leveled against him, has promised to deliver a keynote speech at a benefit for sexual assault victims. He was originally slated to receive an award celebrating his work for women veterans including assault victims, but instead will be given the opportunity to address his situation to what will no doubt be a packed house.
Old white dudes are the literal worst. There is no other political demographic in which one’s quest for redemption involves announcing, “I’m ready to be back on top now!” after which renewed supporters fall into one of two camps: those who clearly never gave a shit about women to begin with, and those who vote based on policy alone, and must then acclimate to the self-centered shitstick clinging self-righteously to his spot on the ballot. Why can’t an OLD, WHITE guy’s quest to be a better person ever happen in the company of the family, constituents, or former employees who have already spent months if not years cleaning up the hot, sticky film of his past mistakes? If you ever want to breathe in the rank, unabated stench of male privilege, you can either do a line of past-expiration Viagra chased with a shot of Hugo Boss, or just enter a government building.
While we’re decimating the Constitution, can we add something about getting the permanent boot from the press junket period if you admit to BEING RAPEY and/or LYING while already in office? Is the value we place on white old guys so high that when the one you trusted with your vote shows you no respect whatsoever, you will continue to request more, like some deranged Oliver Twist with a script error? Get these guys OUTTA HERE, YESTERDAY! All we need is a ::looks around:: umm, suitable ::looks more:: replacement. ::bursts into tears::