December 20, 2012

(whisper voice) When I first moved to New York, I thought OK Cupid was for sad, sexless/sex-driven Internet loners desperate for a human connection — which it is, but it turns out that basically everyone in the city is okay with this, which is why I had an account for a little while. I don’t anymore, and very little on the site did much to convince me otherwise regarding my original appraisal. (real voice) But plenty of people still have accounts, which is why plenty of people today received a very weird email advertising the end of the world by way of President Obama. “Do you want to die alone?” the e-mail read, which, hey, fair enough, because the Mayan apocalypse is happening tomorrow and it would be awful to perish without getting a last sniff of something real. (Though my friends in Australia report that everything is still standing.)

Weirder, though, is what was attached to the email: An asteroid colliding into Earth that just happened to have the face of Barack Obama emblazoned on its side, suggesting something more sinister about all the rumors of how we might all end up burnt to a crisp. Not through a solar flare, or through earthquakes, or through garden variety asteroids; no, through a special asteroid intentionally devised by our Kenyan Socialist Hitler president and bearing his face, so that he might watch the destruction from his specially-fitted spaceship, cackling in sinister glee about the end of things. Or, as Gawker’s Max Read suggests, some poor intern probably just grabbed the first graphic marked “apocalypse” via Google Image Search without looking at it too closely. Welcome to unemployment, buddy.

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