Culture

Next Year, Miss America Will Be a Gun In a Blond Wig and Bikini

Culture

Next Year, Miss America Will Be a Gun In a Blond Wig and Bikini

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Never could’ve seen it coming, they said. Didn’t think it would happen here, they thought. How were we supposed to foretell of such an outcome, they mused. And yet it happened: A non-white person was crowned Prettiest Princess In All the Land last night when Nina Davuluri, who hails from the far off land of Syracuse, won the Miss America pageant, and, much to our shock and chagrin, certain elements of society, racists, you might call them, didn’t cotton to it too kindly.

Take a look at a few of them here! And here!

One of the more notable bigoted pieces of human-shaped shit, Todd Starnes from Fox, is leading the charge:

The liberal Miss America judges won’t say this – but Miss Kansas lost because she actually represented American values. #missamerica

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Davuluri’s weaponized brown skin was automatically assumed to have been formed in the scary sands of a mysterious land known as Terrorstan, where her interests include horseback rides on the beach, charity work, and suicide bombing freedom.

All of which was only compounded by the fact that there was a Real American in the pageant, Miss Kansas aka Theresa Vail aka Captain America with tits.

o-KANSAS-570

To help stem the controversy, the organizers of the pageants have already gone ahead and announced plans for next year’s winner: