Going to a concert is one of the more enjoyable ways to spend some leisure time, whether it’s with friends bonding over your overlapping taste in music, with a date sharing what you’ll one day look back on as a pivotal moment in your blossoming romance, or rolling solo and standing alone in the back of the room hoping someone will notice you frowning and ask you what’s with all the frowning? Next thing you’ve got a new friend or a partner to do one of the other two things with. But going to concerts now-a-days isn’t like it used to be. There are a whole host of complex new behaviors that we have to deal with, from social media issues, to other types of social media issues that have changed the rules of the game. One thing is clear, however, no one wants to be that guy. You know the one I’m talking about, and if you don’t, here’s a few tips from someone who knows a thing or two about being an annoying prick on how to avoid it.
1) Taking pictures of the person next to you.
It makes sense, given these social media-driven times, where we’re all amateur photojournalists, that you’d want to document the experience of being at a concert, to give a look into the sub-culture of whatever particular genre of music you’re at, but snapping constant pictures in the face of the person seated or standing next to you at a club or theater or outdoor festival distracts from the musical experience and also is super weird. Try to limit the number of candid creepshots you take to between 15-25, or the duration of the first few songs, and don’t forget to turn off your flash, because otherwise they’ll know what you’re up to and things could get awkward.
2) Flicking the ear of the person in front of you
Depending on the type of concert you’re at, you’re going to expect a certain level of ear-flicking from the person behind you, that’s just the type of bad you take with the good of the music experience. But flicking the ears of people, then, like, turning away real quick when they look back to ask what the fuck is going on and pretending it was someone else is supremely annoying, and generally frowned upon.
3) Reheating your leftover fish in the concert microwave
We get it, you’ve had a long day at the concert and you’re going to get hungry, but concerts are a shared space, and reheating last night’s salmon or halibut in the microwave is going to ruin the olfactory vibes for everyone around you.
4) Following up a song request too many times
A lot of people will tell you yelling out your favorite song from the middle of a crowd is rude, but it’s standard behavior now that bands and DJs have become accustomed to. What you shouldn’t do, however, is follow up the request with an email to the band, then a Facebook chat, and a Twitter DM. The band is likely inundated with a deluge of requests in the middle of every set, and while a professional musician would like to respond to every one in a timely manner, sometimes this isn’t humanly possible! If you haven’t heard back from the band within the standard waiting period of 24-72 hours, you may reasonably take your request elsewhere for consideration. It’s also impolite to request the same song from two different bands at the same time without informing them upfront that that’s what you’re doing.
5) Standing up and sitting down at inappropriate times
This isn’t Catholic mass, it’s a rock and roll concert experience, which means you are expected to stand up for the duration of the show, until about 2/3 of the way through when the band is “trying out some new stuff, if that’s ok with you guys.” Then, and only then, is it ok to sit down and daydream about the girl in the sundress a couple of pews back, because this is generally the time period when God and the lead singer are powerless to read your thoughts.
6) No boners
A lot of the rules have changed as different generations come and go, but no matter how funny your giant-ass boner is to you, people typically don’t want to see it in the middle of a concert. Wait until intermission and go show everyone out by the merch booth because that’s where the saddest people in the music business work/shop and they could use the cheering up.
7) Don’t overdose on drugs and die
Everyone is on molly now, but did you know that drugs can kill you? Try not to spoil everyone else’s night by taking so many drugs that your body overheats/dehydrates/seizes-up and then you fall down and you’re right there dying, and people are all sheepish about it for a minute or two like whoa is she dying someone better look at that and then the one responsible friend tries to help a little, like, ehhhh, poking you with their foot all tentatively, and next thing you know your local newspaper is writing scolding op-eds and I’m probably going to have read them and that’s what’s super annoying. Also someone’s gonna have to come get your body. Lame.
8) Enjoying yourself too much
Sure, we get it, you’re seeing your favorite band, and you’ve been waiting all year for them to come back to your local scene, but try to keep the excitement to a minimum, particularly if you are a young and/or attractive person. Alternatively if you’re an old/fat/unstylish person. Any type of person having fun, really, is the quickest way to spoil everyone else’s time. Moderate your enthusiasm. Just because you’re not miserable doesn’t mean you have to jam it down everyone else’s throats, we’re trying to maintain a precise level or ironic distance here at this show, and your dancing and singing along is throwing off the equilibrium.
9) Not wiping down the bench press machine/slamming down the weights
No one wants to lay down in your puddle of sweat in the middle of a concert, no matter how many reps of 220lbs you just did during the second drum solo. Wipe down the machine and don’t drop the weights because it’s jarring for the rest of the concert.
10) Not having sex with me
Like 95% of the other people here at the concert I didn’t come for the music – music is free on the internet literally any time I want it. Instead I came for access to the specific demographic of vagina/penis that I’ve aligned myself with in hopes that I might, through some alchemy of inebriation and the illusion of fun engendered by social interaction, not to mention secondhand horniness inspired by the hot dude/babe singer, achieve the only worthwhile goal in any human interaction.
11) Having sex with me
Jesus Christ, what were you thinking? Not cool at all.
12) Blogging about it after
LOL no one gives a shit. No. Single. Person. bye.