Cultural Commentator

Moments That Warrant ‘Stop, Drop and Rolling’ During Thanksgiving

Cultural Commentator

Moments That Warrant ‘Stop, Drop and Rolling’ During Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving is approaching, and fast. Are you prepared? If not, allow us to happily assist.

In addition to fire safety, the age-old technique of “stop, drop and roll” can also be applied during Thanksgiving to avoid unpleasant interactions, or when you want to refrain from engaging in a round of verbal jousting with your overwhelmingly conservative uncle.

(NOTE: Stop, drop and roll can still be executed even if seated. Simply skip “stop” and proceed with the remainder of the maneuver.)

The follow situations that qualify for use of this safety technique are:

– If someone asks, “Are you seeing anyone?”

– The loaded question, “How’s school going?”

– Any question regarding the general trajectory of your future that can and could most likely be answered with one word

– Any positive mention of GOP candidates

 – Any dialogue under the umbrella of equating the entire Muslim population with ISIS

– If you hear someone start to say, “So, I read that piece you wrote for…”

– “All lives matter”

– Any sighting of a modest tunic

– Excessive usage of the phrase “food coma” post meal

– Someone pitching the idea of participating in Black Friday starting at midnight

– Your younger cousins breaking out teen slang you don’t recognize because you suddenly realize you’re getting older

– When someone at the table talks about what they’re thankful for more than 30 seconds (NOTE: Make sure to stash an emergency dish of food if this occurs, so you can just roll into the kitchen.)

– Hearing Thanksgiving being referred to as “Turkey Day”

– TOFU-TURKEY

– Healthy salt alternatives

– Blacking out after dessert while listening to the new Adele record and drafting a text to your ex (Just stop. No need to drop or roll.)