Master Race Army Plans One Step Closer to Completion with New Giselle/Brady Child


Master Race Army Plans One Step Closer to Completion with New Giselle/Brady Child


Condolences, pitiful beta-humans, because you’ve just inched one step closer to your evolutionary irrelevance today. Supermodel Gisele Bündchen and All-American sentient action figure Tom Brady have announced phase two of their insidious plot to populate the world with a master race of über kinder with the successful launch of The Second, code name “Vivian Lake.”

Bündchen announced the next step in human progress via her Facebook page today, writing:

We feel so lucky to have been able to experience the miracle of birth once again and are forever grateful for the opportunity to be the parents of another little angel. Vivian Lake was born at home on December 5. She is healthy and full of life. Thank you all for your support and well wishes. We wish you and your families many blessings .

The message was then repeated in Portuguese, as a reminder that none of us, no matter where we live in this increasingly irrelevant prehistoric culture, will be safe from the impending cleansing power of these two titans’ loin-chemistry.

Enjoy the next twenty or so years of “the old way” while you can.

Asked for comment on the birth of his third child, and second with Bündchen, Brady looked up from a series of inter-uterine x-rays, and said “That baby is in the past. We’re focusing on the upcoming baby. Giselle has a great offense, she’s got strong, good intangibles, works hard every time she gets dressed… But I’m not out there competing against her offense and its near-prefect collection of secondary sexual characteristics, impressive as they are, I’ve got to go out there and worry about making sure my mutant-sperm finds a way through her cervix, and across the line into her uterus, and put some points up on the board.”

“It is what it is,” he said of the child, before resuming his hours-long study of Bill Belichick-directed inception-documentaries. “We’ve got a lot of tape to go through this week before we get ready for the next challenge. I’m just hoping we can come out of there with another W.”


Follow Luke O’Neil on Twitter.

​ ​