BULLETT

I know there’s basically just one reason why people want to see Lars von Trier’s upcoming Nymphomaniac: The chance to finally see Shia LaBeouf strip down and get to some seriously emotive fucking for a few hours or so. Unfortunately, it might not go down exactly like that. Speaking about the film, LaBeouf and his co-stars described the plot in terms that would make you think it isn’t nearly as explicit as von Trier has let overly enthusiastic blogs to believe. (And why wouldn’t he? LaBeouf in LaBuff = $$$.)

“When we call this a porno, it’s meant ironically but irony doesn’t work well in print,” said Stellan Skarsgard. “The film is sexually explicit but, believe me, it will be a very, very bad wanking movie.” Skarsgard also notes that most of the action will be portrayed by “body doubles and visual effects,” which is a far cry from reports that LaBeouf had sent sex tapes of himself to audition for his role. In the interview, LaBeouf also called von Trier a visionary, of which there are “10 of those on the planet” (he’s including Michael Bay?) and Charlotte Gainsbourg, the film’s star, said the female role is so well-written that she feels she’s “actually playing Lars in this role, which is an honor.” I’ll pass on the creepiness of imagining how someone like Lars von Trier would write a movie about himself having oodles of sex across multiple decades. But I guess everyone will have to find another way to get their rocks off.