Culture

LA Times Implicates Shia LaBeouf in Worst Sentence of the Week

Culture

LA Times Implicates Shia LaBeouf in Worst Sentence of the Week

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Despite her name, Amy Kaufman has never been a man, and is in fine respiratory health, (as far as we know). And despite the fact that this lede was written in the Los Angeles Times, one of the most important newspapers in the country, the story she wrote today is neither news, nor timely, nor important, unless you’re looking for evidence of bad writing, which, as someone who’s produced a lot of it over the years, happens to be my area of expertise. Gaze upon with me then, in wonder, the worst sentence you will read all week:

Despite his name, Shia LaBeouf has never been shy.

Are all of the writers asleep at the wheel today in LA or what? This piece of shit is the Shia LeBeouf of introductory sentences. (h/t)

Here it is again:

Despite his name, Shia LaBeouf has never been shy.

“Last week, he revealed that he’s planning to have actual sex with his yet-to-be-determined female costar in an upcoming Lars Von Trier film,” it continues, referring to a director who, despite his name, has never really put all that much effort into any of his films.

LaBeouf also has a new film coming out soon called The Company You Keep, where he’ll assume the role of a journalist. “To prepare for the role, he spent time with Los Angeles Times reporter Robert Faturechi” who, despite his name, seems to be of a normal body mass relative to his height.

Elsewhere in the paper today there are stories like this one “Nick Cave is violent in multiple genres,” about the famed rocker, who, you may be surprised to hear, does not literally dwell, like some sort of sightless, glowing albino mole man mutant, deep within the horrific recesses of subterranean rock hollows carved out over thousands of years by erosion and the movement of tectonic plates.

Names aren’t always so confusingly non-literal, however. Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon, died, as we learn in a video on the same page, a man who, much like his name implies, was in possession of muscular upper body appendages due to his career as a fucking space ship pilot. And perhaps unsurprisingly, this story here, which says, 72% in poll say Obama economic record to be key factor in their vote, is about a president who, as you might expect from his name, is actually a secret Muslim radical just biding his time to institute Sharia law upon the nation just after he steals all of our guns and forces us to bow down to Allah, who, despite his name, isn’t really all that.

 

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