Earlier this week, Kreayshawn released the digital version of her major label debut, Somethin ‘Bout Kreay, transforming herself once and for all from a DIY luxe-trash rapper (we just made that up) to a professionally produced music person who now has to worry about things like sales figures and chart positions. Welome to adulthood, Kreay. To celebrate this momentous occasion, we asked the Oakland-bred MC to follow in the footsteps of her fellow internet rap weirdo Riff Raff, and dole out some seeds of wisdom to our readers. Here, Ms. Shawn tells BULLETT’s troubled readers how to sort out their love lives, realize their dreams, and stalk Grimes.
Dear Kreayshawn, My ex-boyfriend, who I’m still in love with, said he’ll only get back together with me if I tattoo his name on the inside of my lower lip. I’m scared of needles. What should I do?
Hmmm, I think if I really really liked him, I might humor him and do it just because, I know those lip tattoos fade away, BUT! I do believe in tattooing someone’s name on you that isn’t family or passed is BAD LUCK! So, you should prob just tell him you think it’s bad luck and he’ll think you’re so cute and superstitious!
Dear Kreayshawn, All signs point to my girlfriend being preggers, but she’s in denial and refuses to take a test. Tell me how to proceed?
Oh Man! She’s crazy if she’s walking around pregnant and doesn’t know. I’m sure she knows her body pretty well and would take a test if she thought she was too. Maybe she’s trying to sneak an abortion.
Dear Kreayshawn, I run a website for a media company that covers culture, low-brow and high-brow. How do I go about getting, like, a billion hits?
I don’t know how to market websites that well, but I would just make it really simple and have a nice interactive layout and maybe find a way to link it to twitter activity.
Dear Kreayshawn, My boyfriend and I are about to celebrate our 2-year anniversary, and we want to make it a night to remember. Are there any drugs you can recommend us doing, and what to do while on said drugs?
LOL! Well, I always like smoking weed with my boo and not doing much but, I guess that’s not so fun. I have never done any LSD or acid or nothing like that and scripts are pretty boring. I would say try salvia! It lasts like 5 minutes and if you smoke the right find out of a bong, you gonna laugh together like little trippy girls!
Dear Kreayshawn, I’m thinking about becoming a superhero, but I have no special powers. What should I call myself?
No power? Be DeadMan. #TeamDead
Dear Kreayshawn, I’m trying to win over the girl of my dreams the old fashioned way: a mixtape. Can you give me three songs to put on it? I’ll even credit you.
Well I would prob just find some songs that have her name in it. Hoping her name isn’t too crazy, there most likely is some songs with her name in the lyrics or title. That’s always fun.
Dear Kreayshawn, I’m an artist with absolutely nothing to express. Help?
Maybe you should do some drugs or travel or go get your heart broken. Those things always spark some creativity if you need some inspiration. You still have to figure out how to express it too. That’s hard. You just basically have to try a lot of new things.
Dear Kreayshawn, I work a devastatingly mind-numbing job at fishing gear store. What’s the best way to pass my time?
Create an account on Twitter and pretend to be a fan of a super-celeb and attack everyone who isn’t their fan.
Dear Kreayshawn, Do you know who Grimes is? I’m obsessed with her. I’d like to follow her around, but a restraining order would ruin me. Is there another way to express my severe interest in her?
You can make songs for her and name all your songs “I Love Grimes” and your name can be Grimes Lover and maybe she’ll notice you. Just don’t stalk people, because that’s weird and people don’t like that.
Dear Kreayshawn, I have the most fantastical dreams, and I’m positive they would make great films or novels. But every time I wake up, I can hardly remember them. Is there anyway to make my dreams art/monetize them?
I wish I knew. I dream like every night and they’re always really crazy and elaborate. I just feel like dreams are our alternate universe and we should just embrace that. I had like this dream diary app on my iPhone that I used and would force myself to record myself telling my dream but, then I stopped because I just love sleeping. So try that.