In Light of Upcoming Justin Bieber Lolly Video, 5 Preceding Pop Paeans to The Sex-As-Candy Cliché


In Light of Upcoming Justin Bieber Lolly Video, 5 Preceding Pop Paeans to The Sex-As-Candy Cliché

Aren't you people feeling sick yet??? Ph:
Aren't you people feeling sick yet??? Ph:

Clues popped up last night via several social media outlets that Justin Bieber was shooting (at least some of) the video for “Lolly,” this hardly-toothsome cavity of a Maejor Ali track on which he and Juicy J both feature. The song first came out in February, and while I’m not sure that anyone has been holding their breath since then for the video follow-up, the news of its filming sent me on a stroll down recent-memory lane, checking off box after foil-wrapped box of pop confections comparing what are arguably America’s two favorite things: sex and sweets.

It’s a good thing that celebrities can afford excellent dental work, because the music industry has been overindulging in this beat-ass metaphor since long before “Birthday Cake” came into the picture. We’re sorry in advance for this…

50 Cent feat. Olivia – “Candy Shop”

50 Cent became the rap game Russell Stover for this Y2K classic, featuring where-is-she-now songstress Olivia. Does dat azz have calories girl? Because it’s looking crazy phat.

Lil Wayne – “Lollipop”

The fact that Lil Wayne thinks BJs are akin to Blow-Pops is a testament to the fact that he’s probably not short a rib. I hate to say it Weezy, but the hoes really just want to get up close and personal with your wallet. Or away from your face…

Lil Kim – “How Many Licks”

The Queen Bee, never content with being one-upped, set this entire video in a candy factory in which she herself is the product. Once you get to the “center of a,” do you get a piece of gum or a Tootsie Roll? If not, talk about a letdown. I DEMAND gum.

D4L – “Laffy Taffy”

This beat sounds like Oompa Loompas could have made it, and the video is as unoriginal as the concept. Laffy, indeed…

Trick Daddy feat. Lil Kim – “Sugar”

Lil Kim has earned the right to do whatever the fuck she wants, so I won’t fault her for this repeat offense, as long as we can hypothesize that Trick Daddy kept his grill in for the shoot because his chompers were rotting due to candy consumption. Yummy.

Happy Friday, and try to contain your excitement for the Justin Bieber Lolly video, the likes of which you’ve NEVER seen before. This week, anyway.