John Stamos divulged some graphic details about his approach to lovemaking (not a word I’d typically use, but given the way Stamos describes his sexual encounters, there’s really no term more appropriate) and I can’t say it’s increased my desire to have sex with John Stamos.
In a book by his pal, Family Guy and Glee writer Ali Adler entitled “How to Fuck a Woman,” Stamos says he approaches the task “in a musical way.” Sidenote: I think I speak for most of womankind when I say the title of that book implies Adler may not know the first thing about pleasuring females.
Stamos says the following:
“I’m fifty-one years old. I’ve had some experiences.” No duh Stamos – you were Uncle Jesse! “But it’s about listening, asking, talking… Maybe some girls are afraid of communicating. But I find most aren’t if you ask, ‘Does this feel good?’ Or listen to her body like an instrument. I guess I do approach sex in a musical way. With me it’s more rhythm than melody with a woman… but it’s all listening. When music clicks you can feel it. You have to listen to other musicians. With women, you have to listen to their bodies.”
He had me with the open communication, but he lost me when he compared the female body to an instrument. It gets worse though; Stamos recounts a sexual experience in which he lost a piece of gum on a girl’s vag (which he refers to as an “arena”) when he was going down on her. “It was a weird texture, a lump, but it wasn’t a medical thing,” he says. “I kept licking it and checking it with my tongue and was like, what the [bleep] is this thing?” (apologies for the bleep… I guess Page Six bleeps their swears?).
Nightmare. So what kind of woman has sex with John Stamos? The worst kind, apparently. “A couple of women have wanted ‘selfies’ afterwards,” he says.