Film & TV

Die Hard, Love Harder: John McClane’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Film & TV

Die Hard, Love Harder: John McClane’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

It’s no coincidence that on the most romantic day of the year, 20th Century Fox will release the fifth installment of the most romantic movie ever made—Die Hard.

There’s very little that’s not romantic about Die Hard. John McClane kills all the terrorists INCLUDING Alan Rickman to save his best babe at Christmas time EVEN THOUGH she’s being a major butt-hole. It’s like The Notebook minus Ryan Gosling and basically everything else (except the romance), PLUS Bruce Willis and lots of wanton killing of baddies. I mean, what woman doesn’t want to be embraced by a hot, sweaty, musclebound bald dude covered in blood and grime while the world burns in the background?

If you want to impress the ladies (me) this Valentine’s Day, just ask yourself “What Would John McClane Do?” (Hint: it’s all about grand gestures).

Kill All The Terrorists

I’ve already touched on this point, but gratuitous, bloody murder is kind of hot when the dudes being killed are a) killing innocent people for no reason and b) ruthlessly cold blooded  and c) the worst. It’s pretty unlikely you’re going to be faced with a hostile takeover of an office building on Valentine’s Day (but if perchance you are, TAKE IT DOWN, I say. Using nothing but your wits, bad attitude and bare hands), and killing is pretty wrong when it’s not in movies, so you’re going to have to get creative here in order to impress.

Is your babe “held hostage” at work by a tyrannical boss? Definitely don’t harm your lover’s employer in any way whatsoever, but feel free to army roll into her office with a bunch of flowers duct taped to your back. Ahead of this, send in a mule (alive) with “Ho, ho, ho, now you’ve got some roses” written across his chest in blood red glitter and love hearts.

Alternately, you can run across broken glass with bare feet to show her how tough you are.

Do Good Airport Etiquette

John McClane cared enough to meet his lady at the gate—you should too. Not the baggage carousel, not the “pick-up and drop off zone”; AT THE GATE. While you should probably avoid any shenanigans that might lead you to, I don’t know, say, you riding one of those snow jet-ski things through the snow while apprehending yet more terrorists, do be sure that if you see something, you SAY SOMETHING. McClane would NOT ignore an unattended bag at an airport.

Solve Riddles

For the love of New York City, in Die Hard: With a Vengeance McClane scampered about solving all sorts of nonsense riddles like the one about two jugs and some water, which I still don’t get. With New York being the most romantic city in the world, and Die Hard the most romantic movie, you should set up a Die Hard-themed scavenger hunt across Manhattan, where your gal needs to solve riddles to survive win the prize of your undying love. Bonus points if you can somehow trick Samuel L. Jackson into joining your rag-tag mischief.

Hang Out With Justin Long…

… Who is pretty much the most annoying dude on earth. McClane hung out with him for agessssss in Live Free or Die Hard, and he didn’t even do it out of romantic love, but rather, the love of a father (which instantly gives him at least seventeen Sexy Man Points for being Dad Of The Year), even though his daughter, like her mom before her, is a major butthole. The moral of the story is that if you can endure hanging out with someone really, really annoying in order to do your familial duty, you’ll look like a “decent” dude, and no matter what the Katy Perry-John Mayer union may have you believe, chicks DIG “decent” dudes.

It wouldn’t hurt to purposefully shoot yourself in the shoulder to kill a bad guy either. Yipee ki-yay, motherfucker.

KEEP ON COMING BACK

If we’ve learned anything from McClane, it’s that you can’t put a good dog down—he just keeps on coming back for more. Just when your lady thinks she’s seen the best of you, give her another sequel. Ate four tacos at dinner? Pussy, make it five! Four long-stemmed roses? OWN THOSE ROSES GIVE HER FIVE. A romantic stroll to 4th Ave? Take it one more block and make 5th your bitch! Just had sex four times? Surprise, hit it baby, ONE MORE TIME!