February 4, 2013

“I’ll kill anybody, but I’ll only sleep with someone I love,” says JENNIFER TILLY as TIFFANY, Chucky’s helium-voiced homicidal sweetie in the 1998 film Bride of Chucky (she also starred in the subsequent instalment, Seed of Chucky). But as far as the Oscar nominee and champion poker player is concerned, the devilish doll needs to get her priorities straight. First step: Stop the slaughter. 

Dear Tiffany,

I think a lot about your situation, and I wish there were things I’ d told you before it was too late. Some of them should be self- explanatory, but apparently not. Honestly, you are a hot mess and I don’t even know where to start, but here are some of my thoughts regarding your character flaws and things I think you need to work on.

1. Less is more. It amazes me that Martha Stewart is your idol and yet you present yourself like Kat Von D. Scrape off that makeup and go au naturel. What are you afraid of—that people will see the real you?

2. Your mother was no wise woman. It’s nice that she had a saying for everything, but I can’t believe she never told you not to take a bath near electrical appliances.

3. You need to be kinder to your houseguests. When Damien wouldn’t roll over in bed, for example, it was because a) he was chained to the bedpost, and b) he was dead, so for you to get all petulant and start pushing and kicking him was just immature.

4. Please stop smoking. It was bad for your health when you were a human, but smoking is even worse when you’re a doll. Besides being a fire hazard and smelling bad, it causes your plastic to degrade.

5. Unprotected sex always leads to unplanned pregnancies. It’s admirable that you had the forethought to ask Chucky if he had a rubber, but when he said, “Baby, I’m all rubber!” you should have stopped right there. I hope I’m not hurting your feelings by saying this, but you and Chucky are not psychologically prepared to be parents. Which leads us to…

6. Your kid needs help. Not only is he/she swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool, but it has also really messed with his/ her mind having you two as parents. Your insistence that she is a girl and dressing her in pink bows followed by Chucky’s insistence that he’s a boy and taking him on hunting expeditions is tearing him/her apart!

7. Co-dependency. You have a co-dependent relationship with Chucky— there, I said it! I know you think it’s very glamorous, the two of you running around like a pint-size Bonnie and Clyde, that it’s something you share that most people can’t understand, but you need more than a mutual interest in murder to bind together a relationship. Chucky is very abusive to you! Not only did he kill your mother, but he killed you as well. Twice!

8. Impatience. The problem with you, Tiffany, is that you like to take shortcuts. You want everything to be easy and quick. You’re lazy, you practice “voodoo for dummies,” you let bodies pile up in the closet. When you tried to quit killing, I noticed you were reading A Guide for the Busy Addict: 12 Steps in 3 Days. Well, not exactly reading—you were skipping ahead to get to “the good stuff.” But it doesn’t work that way. Killing is a serious addiction and not something that’s cured overnight with a self-help book.

9. Finally, you’re a mother now. It’s not appropriate for you to be running around like Britney Spears in torn fishnets and bloody clothing. It’s time for you to put away the machete and grow up.

I hear they’re not using you at all in the next Chucky movie, and that’s a good thing. You’ ll never have a career in Hollywood with that voice. You sound like a cartoon character. You need to take some time off from show business to work on your personal issues.

With much love (and trepidation),

Jennifer

PS: I’ve given up that giant house in Romania, so don’t bother looking for me there. If you need to discuss anything in this letter, please contact my new assistant.

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